Day 548 Monsieur Thesis is Back

Every time Vondores comes up in a strategic discussion, I start to feel a non-imitable buzz. I had so many hopes, ups and downs with it in the past 10 years that sometimes I feel it is a platonic love and I am the only one who loves and Vondores is just the sometimes appearing love interest of mine who never returns my feelings. Of course, this is not entirely true. We had much hardship due to unexpected circumstances beyond our control. The majority of them are the bureaucratic burden and high entrepreneurial fees in Hungary, but I have thoroughly analysed this in all the 20.000 words of Monsieur Thesis during my master’s degree.

I am in the stage of creating ideas again. I have feelings again and hope that it can be done and it will be done. I pray it stays that way.

Day 546-547 Vondores at Café One

I met Angela today at Café One. We had a long talk about Vondores. ‘Hope’ is the word again. A new start of the idea that has been put aside so many times before. Tender loving kindness, wisdom and work needed in the next few months. The rest will work itself out.

Day 541-545 Gardening Time

Spring has arrived, I can smelled it in the air. The crocuses, hyacinths, tulips and daffodils are stretching over the ground from their deep winter sleep. And I am waking from a deep winter sleep myself, as the flowers prepare to share with us their blooming beauty. No more cold and no more wind, just the warmth carrying sun behind the birch trees. Off to The Garden.

Day 540 Conquering Mood Swings

Talk to a good friend, who also confines in you, when in need to share. Say a simple prayer: Lord, please help me! And believe that it gets better. Because it always gets better J

Day 539 Next, Please!

Some decisions break our hearts, others sit heavily on our shoulders. I remember Paris 10 years ago when it turned out that I couldn’t go and undertake the internship at a prestigious weaving company. And the sweet-tasting boost of that liberating feeling when I made a decision the next day about learning to make dresses. I need to make a decision by tomorrow, what is next.

Day 538 The Law is The Law is The Law is The Law

9am, On the way home from the US Embassy:

Being denied of a visa to a country where a 4 and a half months paid trip is waiting for me is hard to swallow. I don’t know what to say or what to write. My return to Hungary 20^th July 2012 was supposed to be an attempt to enter the Hungarian heaven, called The House with The Garden. It was a decision that I brewed for 3 years to be united again with friends and family in the country that gave birth to me. However, this morning I was asked why I had to leave the UK on what ground and my answer of simply wanting to come home and take a gap year in deciding what I wanted to do here in terms of designing and researching was branded as 2 things that does not fit in the same story. My ultimate affection towards my Hungarian citizenship even though spending 12 years in the UK gave grounds to suspicion that I was denied English citizenship, which I never ever applied for.

I always do well on interviews, so I have to retreat and lick my wounds a bit to overcome this. I can’t deny it feels like a personal failure. And I do feel incredible sorry for my travelling companions, who had been so looking forward to the next 4 and half months and took all my expenses on themselves. I don’t know what to say, but the verdict is: ‘Today’s decision cannot be appealed.’

8pm, Wounds licked and healed. ‘Don’t look back with anger.’ (Oasis)