I didn’t know why I felt so strange for days, but I found it
uneasy to think about my visit to London with tender expectation as I used to
do. I started to think about it more like homework, I really didn’t feel like
doing. I kept thinking of the presents I should have made and promised, the
hundreds of pictures I was ought to attach and send since the summer, but had
no inclination to do so. At the end I decided not to do any of it. I rebelled
against the culture of presents and promises that are supposed to be kept. Even
though these self-imposed expectations crushed over my head like drowning waves,
I just hid under my turned over boat desperately trying to breath as little is
I could to survive the storm. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to fit my own
clothes to my hand luggage and needed to purchase extra allowance and carry an
extra suitcase as well as my hand luggage. I really can’t do that with a bad
back, a bad left elbow and a carpal tunnel in my right wrist. There is no point
creating unnecessary resentment in me towards the people otherwise I love. They
are happy to see me anyway. When I get back, I will concentrate on the things I
came home to do so, designing, making and writing. Otherwise I will keep making
the same mistake, doing too much for others just to listen to the analysation
of my ‘naivety’ for not taking better care of my own things, including myself.
I am tired of travelling. I just want to stay in The House
with The Garden and left alone. At the moment nothing else matters. I feel like
I am an animal sent to be slaughtered in the big city. The stress that hauled
me home, climb down the shelf I placed it with care and crept into my heart
days before the departure. I can feel it eating the cell and I can’t do
anything about it. My heart is like a heavy metal ball wanting to pull me down
to the ground. In The House with The Garden my heart is light. It is like a
dove flying freely in the sky and breathing in that cool fresh breeze that
comes from God’s breath of Heaven. I think about this trip as suicide. I must
tell this to my GP. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for a while.
The disorder created by this trip in The House with The
Garden also stresses me out. I cannot live in mess since the breakdown. The
kitchen isn’t functional either, neither the living room nor the bedroom. I
need time to rearrange the furniture instead of parading in the UK!!! I am just
going to hide in my friend’s spare room and wait for the time I can leave for
the airport and come home. God may help me and bless me in London and may He
give a purpose for this trip even if it is beyond my understanding. Amen.
Nearly Midnight, East London, England.
I had a wonderful journey. Comparing to last time all the
staff was kind and gave excellent customer service at the airport. I loved the
tent pulled up, and the swift protected walk to the aeroplane. I’ve never been
keen on boarding airport busses for a 2minutes journey that we could make in 5
minutes on foot. Total waste of time and money. Of course everything is relative
and hearing an elderly Hungarian lady talking on the phone before take-off on
the plane, I had to smile about my beloved countries good old moaning culture.
‘This is outrages it was exactly like on the TV news, they kept us in cages and
shoved us into a tent, like animals. How humiliating!’ I don’t think it was
humiliating to wait in a tent for 2 minutes and walk a bit in a protected path.
I finished Polcz Alaine’s book ‘Rend and Rendetlenseg’ (Tidiness
and Untidiness). I think I started to read it more than a year ago and was one
of the first books I really wanted to read. And a few months later I started
again, because I couldn’t remember where I got to. This book helped me a lot in
my relationship with my tidiness and untidiness. And most likely it was the
right time to read it.
At the moment I am staying in an amazingly tidy and clean
flat. I feel like in a hotel with Orla Kiely towels. I never ever thought I
would ever have the opportunity to use such beautifully crisp towels. I even
kissed them and was so worried to make them dirty that first dried my face with
a bit of toilet paper. I hope the novelty will wear off by the morning, because
I will have to get used to using it, otherwise am gonna go through a month’s
toilet paper supply here in 10 days.
I am so glad now I did come to London. This is a holiday and
I am trying to make the most of it. Rest, rest, rest J
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