After my return from the UK I was really looking forward to
start prototyping the aprons and kitchen textile accessories. I was full of
ideas and a cold, but could not wait to wake up on Thursday and dive into work.
Wednesday evening after landing at Budapest Airport I got a call from a friend
who desperately needed my help with her children. I couldn’t say no even though
at that moment I knew that was it for my ideas. My cold got worse while I was
helping and my anxiety of losing control over my creative timing got the worst
out of me by today. And when she asked me to help her all this week I fall into
pieces. I said no, but I am still in pieces, because the moment for the burst
of the well-nurtured creative bubble is lost. I should have said no straight
away on Wednesday. I am really crossed with myself. But if I am crossed with myself
how can I expect things to work out after all. I am fed up spending my time at
places when I can’t get internet access and have to abandon the blog for days. I
am fed up doing things for people because they need my help and letting my own
long-term ideas down. I am so crossed I can’t even put it into words. Just because
I am taking a creative break it doesn’t mean I am not doing anything and have
time to fill in for others, further more than I have to spend valuable time
with reconciling my evaporating self-esteem from that ‘Well, it happened again,
hasn’t it? You came last.’ And once that is done and analysed I become crossed,
before I calm down and try to recapture the moment when I stepped on the ‘Aprons&More’
creative path.
But on the shinier side, I woke up for the most amazing
view, the snowed in Garden. That was the highlight of the day. I walked to
church in the fresh snow. And I didn’t even mind finding out the priest couldn’t
make it from the neighbouring village. We said a prayer and went on our ways. I
love the snow. The pavement to the gate and in front of the house has to be
swept regularly, but it is a joy to do so. It is such a wonderful feeling to
come in after the work and have a nice cup of tea with honey and lemon.
The Knitting Club is doing very well. Even mum came and
joined us on Friday. By Saturday I felt so ill, I had to stay in bed, but made
some beaded Christmas decoration.
I don’t want to go anywhere in the next 3 months. I am fed
up with travelling.
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