There are times in our life when we think and sincerely believe things we do or about to do is right and later on we realise we made a mistake and created great distress in ourselves and in those around us. I really believed I was healed at that moment in time. I felt the strengths running through me, the will and the want to be upbeat again as I was before I got ill last year. I wanted to be free of having to visit the GP every few months and I believed I could function after 1 year of treatment the same way as I was before, not sleeping and not eating enough, being extremely busy and living in a constant adrenalin rush. I haven’t learnt the lesson of slowing down during the recovery. I carried on, less than 6 months I got very active with volunteering and almost exhausting myself just like when I was working and studying full-time both at the same time. There was no regular recharging. There was no time for it. I did not give myself time for it.
I remember having to write the proposal and sitting on my desk and cancelling the Carbon Neutral Dance http://worldviewimpact.com/ at the last minute back in 2009. I was so looking forward to go out meet the Lyngdoh`s that evening and I remember picking up the phone, making the call and resenting the MA. That was one of the last drops in the ocean. I had no quality time, no me-time, nothing just working and studying. I suppose because I was doing it for so many years, my body was coming to the end of its strength, before going into an auto-regenerating-mode. It is a bit like when you overuse an electrical appliance and it burns down. Thank God we don`t burn down, but burn out and thank God that our body and mind is programmed to go into an emergency regenerating-mode to save us. I had that and it really worked I got better, but fundamentally even though I promised myself I would do less, I never managed to keep that promise. I found myself in a micro-regenerating-mode today. It is not the most convenient experience when one is writing a thesis and there is only 8 weeks to go. I just feel very tired and all I want to do is sleep. I want to protect myself, after all the stress, which with good intention, but created a lot of havoc around me. 1 in every 3 women goes through depression at some point in their life. And the full recovery can take a long time, longer than we expect. 1 in every 3 women and we are still afraid of talking about it openly. We desperately hide it, being afraid of the stigma.
This is parts of what I wrote yesterday and now it seems so distant to think how much stress I went through. I do need to go back to my GP. And even just admitting that lifted up enormous weights from my shoulders. If I do the counts everything makes sense, the days when the anxiety started to build up about Mission Year and finances and the difficulty of maintaining positivity up until yesterday.
`I was moving yesterday and found out the internet is very slow and continuously disconnects everywhere in the house including the bedrooms apart from the living room. That was a real blow, only 8 weeks to go until handing in the thesis. I also should have calculated in social time with people at the new place which is at least a must-have-cup-of-tea to be classified as polite. But after a long day First Aid course for my new job and walking all the way from Walthamstow Central to Mile End, sleeping in friend’s Sofa Hotels and having to wear the same clothes for almost 4 days, the simple fact that I couldn’t open the front door for some stupid reason made me to totally jeopardise my great entrance: I lost my temper and plainly told the couple with a smile up to their ears (my future flatmates) that I don't need their help thank you very much and I'd rather drag all my stuff upstairs on my own.
This is the second day of first aid course and I have to walk from Walthamstow Central to Limehouse today. My life is going back so many steps I wonder if it will ever start to move forward again. All I can hope that the thesis still gets done.
11pm
I didn’t have to walk something came up after all, that seemed more of a priority, than saving money on a bus ticket.`
I went to the Carbon Neutral Dance tonight, even though I should have written the brief and proposal. 2 years on the situation is the same, but this time I decided the other way around. I did try not to feel guilty about the thesis. It was great! I met some really lovely people and learnt to cha-cha from a wonderful Ukrainian dance teacher called Victoriya, listened to Milli Moonstone`s unplugged and danced for some really good Columbian music from Mariano Ortiz. I was very honest and told my friend I couldn`t buy a tree this time, but once I get financially stable I am going to buy one for my little niece. I got one already for my little nephew (http://www.worldviewimpact.com/tree/) We all got a pack of green tea from Paradise Farm: http://www.paradisesrilanka.com/ 3 tea leaves per cup only and there are 1000 leaves in one pack, which means 330 cups of green tea! That is heaven!
And we watched a wonderful short film by Yann Arthus-Bertrand short film on forests filled with aerial images from Home and the Earth from Above television series. The film, 'Of Forests and Men,' is the official film for the launch of the International Year of Forests 2011: http://www.un.org/en/events/iyof2011/videos.shtml
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