Day 202 Leap Year Wisdom

Great news! Slowly but surely the restoration process progressing. The connection between rest and spiritual well-being is vital. Exhaustion starts off the chain reaction of emotional rollercoaster, called depression. This fact have been experienced and noted in my book of learning. This Leap Year’s extravaganza wasn’t a treat of any kind purchasable for money, but the eye-opening wisdom of long-term well-being. I started the day about reading the story of Rehab, the harlot in the Bible and the Wednesday – the Felgild Compline: ‘Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm.’ I whispered silently half sunk in the duvet early in the morning. Later on I felt the lightness of the day passing by with ease. No rush and no checking the slowness of the clock. It had a smooth rhythm that left a sweet taste in my mouth.
Dinner at a flat looking at the basin. Sharing stories of many places we visited or lived. Customs of cultures and the effects on our lives later. I would love to go back to Mozambique, I said. I know I keep saying that since 2007, but it hasn’t happened yet. And as I look into the future I can feel the trip lipping through my hands. I had though felt the same with the MA in 2009 when I went to part-time, but still I passed 2 years later. Let this be my encouragement and reminder to know if I meant to go back, I will, as I was meant to finish the MA and I did.

Day 201 Shalom

I had the honour to spend yet another meal with Helen and Steve in their private Michelin Star dining room. I love being invited there. We had home-made chunky vegetable soup as a starter, extra matured, organic Aberdeen Angus steak with potatoes and vegetables and Raspberry Fool for desert. I love raspberry fool. It always captures me with its rich simplicity. I never ate a desert for that long in my life I just wanted to savour it as long as I could. After dinner we chatted about many things that life has brought into our ways. The stories shared about Israel in the eighties and the complexity of layers where the bitter taste of war leads touched me deeply and changed yet again my perception of the character of life. Even though I would like to think I easily capture people’s situations and I am compassionate I still have to learn new ways of understanding people.
One week into Lent and I already feel the blessing of the break!

Day 200 WE DID IT!

This is just awesome!!! 200 days of blogging and a lot more to come. I am over the moon to be able to carry on writing almost every day.
First of all my ultimate plan for blogging about Vondores and the Perfectly Imperfect World from early January didn’t quite work out. I was rather hopeful after handing in the thesis that once I get back from Christmas holiday I was going to be able to spend the evenings with sketching the collection and translate the book. How naïve I was! Not only I haven’t had the chance to get started on these, but At the same time, I had to realise that I have to keep a healthier work – life balance.

Day 198-199 Come To Me Who You Are Weary & The Resting Nest

I can’t remember having any other expectations about community living 6 months ago apart from that I signed up for part-time volunteering and part-time working and sharing resources. I did not know anything about the people I was going to be in a team and live with. At least I knew the church we were to serve from.
As we set around the table today and discussed what happened during the last 6 months and what we would like the next 6 month to look like, we managed to nail down a few important facts. I honestly can say God is so amazing that He put me together with these guys. We all have different backgrounds and experiences which in a profound way interrelate in our growth as individuals and as community members.
My expectation with Mission Year was blown when I found out I have to work full-time hours. I didn’t think I even thought about processing this matter in the midst of the MA and financial survival mode. But a couple of weeks ago, before the weekend away the busyness got me to a point when I thought this year is not an inch different from the past 11. It is a sheer burnout plot. I remember the feeling of being trapped in a tunnel closed on both ends and the claustrophobic thought process of there is no way out. In my panic I kept thinking I didn’t sign up for burnout. I need to get out. I thought there were two things I can do: carry on as usual for the next 6 months and never ever get involved with volunteering again or try to change the situation. At the end I decided I was just going to carry on as usual avoiding disappointing people in the church and count down the days until the end of July.
Than the weekend away came when everything exploded and finally I began to open up about my spiritual dryness and disillusion. As it often happens, we silently suffer, because we think people would not understand what we go through. ‘You can only give if your fountain overflows, you can’t give from a dried up well’ Ruth reminded me today. I haven’t been on a full church service for almost 4 months. I was so busy trying to fulfil my duty of serving as part of my Mission Year commitment, that I didn’t have the time and energy to recharge my spiritual battery. This evening I went to church to receive and it felt so good!
We came to the conclusion with the team over some delicious fish pie and carrot cake that our personal relationship with God comes first, after that our close community with each other as a team, and the neighbourhood and the church. We talked about how we assumed the expectations on us and how much of this was most likely our imagination and how much we had no direction once we realised the work-volunteering balance was out proportioned by having to earn money, therefore we all went off to do our individual things instead of working as a team. However, drawing on the last 6 months conclusion we have learnt and gained so much. Izzy got engaged, I passed my MA, Christa, John and Donna started a new Connect Group and Stephen showered us with his diplomatic wisdom in times of great need. We all think he should become either a politician or a vicar. He bravely acted on my behalf like a proper dad, who watches out for his children. This is something I have never experienced before and was rather puzzled about the meaning of community leaving when this guy in his mid-twenties gave me an almost 2 hour constructing, biblical view about trying to avoid burnout and stop pleasing people for the sake of the longer term goals of my Christian life. I remember thinking: God are you trying to restore my views on fatherly role models? You must be having fun in Heaven right now!
I have found in community living greater treasures than sharing financial resources. I have found the purity of watching out for each other, the fundamental necessity of being honest about our internal struggle in order to protect our external existence as a team. I have found myself in a place where I have been supported as one body in taking time out from serving to refocus on God. I am humbled that I have 5 sisters and brothers in Christ, who are concerned enough about me to take practical action in love to protect me from believing that the only way forward is a backward lonely burnout. I am once again reminded that asking for help is not a weakness, but strength. It is like a resting nest for those who are weary.

Day 196-197 Release

23rd of February and it feels like summer is knocking on our door. The first day without a winter coat and hat felt really good. Spirit lifting conversation with Liz from InnerCHANGE and a visit from Mel. Consuming several cups of teas after work and half of a Cadbury Milk Tray, yummm.
I slowly start to feel the weights lifted up from my shoulders and it is only 2 days into Lent.
Ps. I fall asleep last night before posting...

Day 195 Lent on The Land of No Temper

The solution is…to give up church activity for lent. This might sounds contradictory at first, but makes more sense than one could expect. I lost Jesus on the way since we started Mission Year. To be on an inner city mission team this is a problem. I have been waiting for finding Him again in all the stuff I got involved with in the church, but it hasn’t happened. It also became apparent after I started to feel the weakness in my limbs, back and chest that the exhaustion is still a major threat and it is enough if I overdo it for a month to get knocked out, and therefore during Lent instead of serving in the church I am going to restore my relationship with God. Instead of rushing around to do what needs to be done I am going meditate on His word. Instead of pleasing other’s needs, I am going to give priority to my prayer life. Basically I am going to change around the most important on my list from others to God. And because this is England, The Land of No Temper, finding peace is fundamental when it comes to do the washing up…

Day 190-194 The Matter of Small Things

Someone asked me today if I feel the weight lifted up from my shoulders now that I have finished the MA. I said no. Then, he said the problem was in me. This is true. I got the official letter from university saying, that I passed. I folded it up, put it back in the envelope and carried on with my dinner. It was a piece of paper with some information on it I already knew about. I am indeed happy about finishing the MA, but I am concerned that it hasn’t released the pressure the way I was expecting it. We had our Mission Year weekend in Norfolk, where I had the most important spiritual experience of the whole program so far. John B. Hayes gave talks about inner city mission, who founded InnerCHANGE many years ago http://www.innerchange.org/. I started to read his book Sub-merge once we got home. The sad part of Christianity is that we all know none of us are perfect, but we still tend to forget this universal truth as we run into difficulties with each other. I humbly confessed to God and announcing it to the world that I have fallen out with the Mission Year organisers over the washing up. Well, our falling out of course has a longer history. Last term when I had insufficient funds and was busy with Monsieur Thesis, I kept getting pressuring e-mails about my lack of fee payment and interest in attending at the training evenings. Over a two months period I started to resent the programme and withdraw my trust from the organisers.
Sometimes however hard we try we still find ourselves in great despair over little things that don’t really matter. And of course we are judged and get misunderstood. Perfection as such does not exist, we know, but still we make it every person’s unforgivable shortcoming whenever it suits us. And in this case I was no different. I want more understanding organisers and they want more committed people. And we both point our fingers at each other, as we fall out over half of a biscuit in the kindergarten. What nonsense! We should all know better.
The symptoms of my withering energy level concerns my team. Therefore we are looking into solutions…

Day 189 The Matter of Perseverance

It still hasn’t sunk in. Friends congratulate which is great and I am ever so happy with all the gentle attention. It is really great to say: `I passed my MA.` Especially after nearly quitting it last year. It’s been a very long journey, which not only affected my professional life, but also transformed my personal one. I remember the day of excitement when I got the news that my application was successful. I called mum and she was just silent on the other end of the phone. ‘Why can’t you be happy for me?’ I asked. Now I know and fully understand she was worried about me. I just finished an exhausting 3 years BA with a full-time job and I just told her a couple of month before that I would never want to study again. Mum most likely knew there and then during that phone call that I was going to crash at some point. And yesterday after I checked blackboard I called her and I could hear a truly delightful cheer from the other end of the phone…

Day 188 The Fruit of The Relationship

Yes, yes, yes :-) I got the news and my epic journey with Monsieur Thesis proved fruitful! I got my grade and I am more than happy to announce that by the grace of God I had successfully completed MA Fashion and The Environment at London College of Fashion :-) To be continued…tomorrow :-)

Day 187 The Day Before

How can I put it? I found it difficult this afternoon to be on my own, I felt restless and somewhat needing to be in people’s company to be able to draw my focus away from the publication of results tomorrow. I followed Izzy from our room to the kitchen as she was cooking and when she finished back to the room. We didn’t talk much, as I was reading Karoly Gundel’s Hungarian Cookbook and she was busy with organising things. I just needed to be in the presence of someone. She said she was going to be around tomorrow when I check if I passed or failed. I know I`ve been recording most of my thesis writing journey on this blog, but seriously I can only remember the mistakes and shortcomings of it. You know when people tell you that they are sure you pass and you just think, they have no idea what the quality of your work is. Izzy said you worked very hard, which is true and this is my only comfort at the moment, but am not sure how much it is enough for. And it’s another 18 hours until I get to log on to Blackboard and see the verdict. Lord please help me, whatever the outcome is to take it with grace. Thank you. Amen.

Day 186 Celtic Daily Prayer

I really need to share what I read this morning. Especially, that I`ve been founding it so difficult to pray these past few months. But I do believe.

“ I still believe in the power of priesthood, where
sinful men are helped by sinful men. I believe in an
authority that stoops to wash a poor man’s feet. I
believe in a banquet where sinners learn to love,
eating in company with their God. I believe in parents
who teach their children the beauty that is life. I
believe in the words that God has left for man, words
that can fashion hope from darkness and turn bitter
loneliness into love. And I believe in man,
fashioned in mystery by God. I believe in the beauty
of his mind, the force of his emotions, the fire and
loyalty of his love. I know his weakness, his
cowardice, his treachery, his hate. But I believe in
him and his thirst for acceptance and love.
Most of all I believe in God and the power of His
victory in Christ. I believe in a Resurrection that
rescued man from death. I believe in an Easter that
opened man to hope. I believe in a joy that no threat
of man can take away. I believe in a peace that I
know in fleeting moments and seek with boldness
born of God. I believe in a life that lingers after this, a
life that God has fashioned for His friends.
I believe in understanding, in forgiveness, in
mercy, in faith. I believe in man’s love for woman,
and hers for him, and in the fervour of this exchange
I hear the voice of God. I believe in friendship and its
power to turn selfishness to love. I believe in eternity
and the hope that it affords. “

Fr James Kavanagh,
A Modern Priest Looks at his Outdated Church

From the Celtic Daily Prayer: The Aidan Series of Daily Readings, 12th February

Day 184 – 185 Valentine’s Day with Monsieur Thesis & The Plan of Action

I am officially worried about the MA result. It is out on Tuesday after 4pm. I logged on to Blackboard to check if it was 14th or 16th February, but it is Valentine’s Day. Three more to sleep and I will know the verdict. I keep thinking about the mistakes I made and the stress if I have to resubmit it. I think am going to do a bit of embroidery and watch lots of documentaries in my free time to take my mind off the waiting. I am really really worried, that I won’t pass. I better look for something to do otherwise I keep thinking about it.
By the way, we have made action plans with Marta to keep us on track with the things we need to focus on. She is starting her literature review for her Phd and I try with the little time I have to work on the following:
Work Plan:
1. Focus on Vondores
2. Start planning Glocal Trinnovation Workshops
3. Keep Healthy
13-19th February: Write to Rory about workshop, plan presentation and craft for it
20-26th February: Write a list about ideas I am interested in for Vondores
27th February – 4th March: Familiarise myself with current trends and sustainable fashion brands
5- 11th March: Start sketching for Autumn/Winter 2012

Day 183 One Week to Go

One Week to Go...

Day 182 Joy

Anxiety about the future is one of the most disturbing thought processes, which stops us fully living in the present. The questions of - What’s next? Where am I going to live? What am I going to eat? – take away many hours, days and months from the possible moments for joy and gives it to The Worries. Having been through this fiery relationship with anxiety myself, it is so precious to share and encourage people, who are captives to be captivated by the victory over worrying about the future and find grace and joy in the present.

Day 181 The Secret Weapon

I am so ridiculously happy for not having to go anywhere this evening. I just watched The Cross and The Switchblade about Nicky Cruz, made dinner and talked to my mum. The best way of getting rid of a cold is to keep warm and stay in. I had a really good day at work and I am happy not having to wake up until 8.30am. And this is a pretty good example to me about learning to live a more balanced life. Hallelujah.

Day 177-180 Epic Notes and the Wonderfully Missed Continental Winters

Well, normally when I don’t write for a few days, I am away jetting around Europe or taking long train journeys from one country to the other. During those travels in moments of inspiration seeing a half open curtain on a high window or a blooming rose in a park I get my BB out and start to pour out epic notes as an early 20th century writer following thoughts and impressions as intricate jewellery boxes on a big mahogany chest just waiting to be packed away or opened and taken out. In a room smelling of memories carved in wood, whilst the breeze once again lifts the hem on that garment and no one knows that a moment of eternity just been caught in that glimpse. Perfect.
Well, this time something least adventures happened. I was so busy that by the end of the last 4 days by the time I got to my laptop I was half asleep. I ended up with a cold and decided not to leave the flat for the evening apart from Alpha in the next few weeks. So many things has happened meeting friends, having great conversations, second strategic meeting of The One Project, Aniko’s visit, organising the room and so much more that left me washed out with a splash of reminder of the wonderfully missed continental winters. It is -17C back home and the snow is as high as 1.5m some places. I miss The House with The Garden.

Day 176 Reviving Smiling Dish

Yes, today one of those things happened, which made me proud and excited at the same time. Love Shack has officially revived Smiling Dish. We invited some lovely people from YWAM http://www.ywam.org/, who are camping in our church crypt for a few weeks, whilst praying for London within the Megacity program http://www.forever2012.com/do/megacities/. We cooked so much food, roast chicken on a bed of fusilli pasta, home-made tomato sauce and grated cheese with dill. Izzy got some delicious pies and ice cream for dessert. 2 weeks ago when we prototyped Smiling Dish I cooked 4 courses, but that was a bit OTT. Two is more than enough. The only rule is that every other Thursday we cook a lot of food and randomly invite friends, people we met in and outside church.

Day 173-174-175 Rest-wish

Ok. This is really not what was meant to happen this year. It was supposed to be a time and place of rest, but it feels more like a race and quest. I am very tired and can’t see a way out, unless…