I can’t remember having any other expectations about community living 6 months ago apart from that I signed up for part-time volunteering and part-time working and sharing resources. I did not know anything about the people I was going to be in a team and live with. At least I knew the church we were to serve from.
As we set around the table today and discussed what happened during the last 6 months and what we would like the next 6 month to look like, we managed to nail down a few important facts. I honestly can say God is so amazing that He put me together with these guys. We all have different backgrounds and experiences which in a profound way interrelate in our growth as individuals and as community members.
My expectation with Mission Year was blown when I found out I have to work full-time hours. I didn’t think I even thought about processing this matter in the midst of the MA and financial survival mode. But a couple of weeks ago, before the weekend away the busyness got me to a point when I thought this year is not an inch different from the past 11. It is a sheer burnout plot. I remember the feeling of being trapped in a tunnel closed on both ends and the claustrophobic thought process of there is no way out. In my panic I kept thinking I didn’t sign up for burnout. I need to get out. I thought there were two things I can do: carry on as usual for the next 6 months and never ever get involved with volunteering again or try to change the situation. At the end I decided I was just going to carry on as usual avoiding disappointing people in the church and count down the days until the end of July.
Than the weekend away came when everything exploded and finally I began to open up about my spiritual dryness and disillusion. As it often happens, we silently suffer, because we think people would not understand what we go through. ‘You can only give if your fountain overflows, you can’t give from a dried up well’ Ruth reminded me today. I haven’t been on a full church service for almost 4 months. I was so busy trying to fulfil my duty of serving as part of my Mission Year commitment, that I didn’t have the time and energy to recharge my spiritual battery. This evening I went to church to receive and it felt so good!
We came to the conclusion with the team over some delicious fish pie and carrot cake that our personal relationship with God comes first, after that our close community with each other as a team, and the neighbourhood and the church. We talked about how we assumed the expectations on us and how much of this was most likely our imagination and how much we had no direction once we realised the work-volunteering balance was out proportioned by having to earn money, therefore we all went off to do our individual things instead of working as a team. However, drawing on the last 6 months conclusion we have learnt and gained so much. Izzy got engaged, I passed my MA, Christa, John and Donna started a new Connect Group and Stephen showered us with his diplomatic wisdom in times of great need. We all think he should become either a politician or a vicar. He bravely acted on my behalf like a proper dad, who watches out for his children. This is something I have never experienced before and was rather puzzled about the meaning of community leaving when this guy in his mid-twenties gave me an almost 2 hour constructing, biblical view about trying to avoid burnout and stop pleasing people for the sake of the longer term goals of my Christian life. I remember thinking: God are you trying to restore my views on fatherly role models? You must be having fun in Heaven right now!
I have found in community living greater treasures than sharing financial resources. I have found the purity of watching out for each other, the fundamental necessity of being honest about our internal struggle in order to protect our external existence as a team. I have found myself in a place where I have been supported as one body in taking time out from serving to refocus on God. I am humbled that I have 5 sisters and brothers in Christ, who are concerned enough about me to take practical action in love to protect me from believing that the only way forward is a backward lonely burnout. I am once again reminded that asking for help is not a weakness, but strength. It is like a resting nest for those who are weary.
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