Day 23 Murano and the Blue Glass Duck

Ups and downs and lows and highs, standing straight and being crashed on the ground. This could be the motto of the past few days. At least I have a Plan B now, if things don’t work out with Mission Year, I stay at home until I finish the thesis and work on that idea that really excites me in Vondores. I can`t write anything else about it, but it is a pretty good product concept for our sustainable wardrobe.

Just the comfort of knowing there is an alternative makes me wanting to spend more time with studying and sketching to catch up with the lost time I spent in great misery over loosing almost half of our team at Mission Year. It can all work out in the end. God loves last minute problem solving, I know. So it is time to put away all the questions about the future. Jeremiah 29: 11-12 `For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.`

10am

But before I can study, I have to do finish the commissions before I go to Vienna…

Midnight

I am leaving in two and a half hours. Commissions finished, suitcase packed, all the tickets still needs to be printed expect the train ticket. I got that at the local station, hand-written, old-fashioned and given with great customer service. Yesterday it took nearly half an hour just to get the price, but the lady was ever so helpful. I don’t think they get many people buying train tickets to Vienna. It is going to be a splendid day in Schonbrunn walking in the midst of the autumn smell and chasing those moments of beauty.

I`ve been drinking home-made cordial in the morning and when I put the bottle back to the fridge I remembered the time when I first went to Murano. I so wanted to have one of those bottle tops. Colourful glass, splendid artisanship. Looking at the colourful houses I also thought I would so love to stay in one of those houses for a couple of nights with local people. But I never thought it would happen. During this year`s Carnaval de Venezia we stayed at friends with Eszter in Murano. I was so happy to sleep in the cold attic surrounded by paintings of one`s deep feelings and emotions and the traditional Murano lamps. Breathing in the history of the beams, and the timeless smell of the tiles. I got the bottle top when I was there with mum. Not in the house, but on the island.

There is a small island going into Venice, only a few houses, no bridge to cross over to its main island. A part of me was wishing to be able to live there, away from the world, in one of the few houses, remotely, like a hermit. But part of me thought, it would be bit too much not to have anybody around, not to have the buzz of others living in the neighbourhood. Every time I open the window upstairs here in The House I remember that trip and those islands. The blue glass duck is sitting on the window seal as a reminder of the famous Muranese generosity of a traditional glassblower family. We took the sarong dress photo`s there for Vondores, by the main bridge.

I have 15 minutes to rest and get up catch the train…

Day 22: `A Cimzett En Vagyok` or `I Am The Addressee`

You know when you just don’t feel like studying at all. The day has been filled with drama about decision making and in the afternoon I felt a sudden urge to read a book I borrowed from Eszter when I visited her in Italy. I promised myself to only read it when I am travelling, but I haven’t been away for two weeks. Even though, am gonna set off to Vienna by train in a couple of days. I could not help myself and did what I wasn’t supposed to do and started to read it instead of the research material. I even read forward and the end. It is sad, somehow ends in misery and loneliness. If I have had better days lately, I would say, it will end in happiness. Before it ends in misery and loneliness again. See, I can`t think positive these days. As it is said in the Holiday, there are best friends and leading ladies. The heroin of the book is neither. And which one am I? I am captured by my own restlessness, that`s for sure. In England I am more like the girl, who is wearing the patterned dress in the `Cimzett En Vagyok`, but in Hungary the one who is laying on the hospital bed at the end of the voyage after visiting so many islands on that great sea of imagination and finally winning the competition she so much wanted for so long with `The Tragedy of A Young Girl`. Her name is Renee Kieslowski and she is indeed a poet.

We are going to watch `The Fledermaus` by Strauss with Katharina when I go to Vienna. When I was little I thought I would never watch anything that had such a disgusting title. How silly children can be. But I am really looking forward to it as an adult. Schonbrunn is in the plans before I travel o Pozsony to catch the flight to London. I`ve been to Vienna with Klari by train many years ago, maybe 9-10. It was cold and we took the long walk from the palace to the memorial. There is a great old movie with Romy Schneider about Sissy. We were all fascinated by the movie and her love towards Hungary during the Austria-Hungarian Empire, when she was the Empress. I so wanted to go into the palace, but we didn’t have time. I mustn’t let this opportunity go. I remember I always waned to go to Knole House, but only got to the Deer Park. I was so disappointed, not being able to go in. It was the fictional home of my all-time favourite novel character, Orlando.

Still no rain, I had to water the garden. I don`t even want to think about the water bill in the next quarter. But there was the promise of autumn in the air. In a settled way it was hiding behind the trees, but I still could breathe in.

You know when you feel you make a mistake and realise it was somehow inevitable. This is how I am feeling, playing with the thought of staying at home. I know things are not going to be solved by finishing the thesis on the long term. And I`d been there 7 years ago coming back for a gap year. The only safety is The House with The Garden. No job, nothing. Bekes County is one of the least populated and one of the poorest places in Hungary, most of the young people go to the capital, other cities or abroad. They are called the Lost Generation. And I am part of it.

Day 21 From traditional `Csigateszta` to Duck Feather Duvets

It was a day with extended family. Sitting around the lunch table and talk about what`s next for each of us. It was nice to acknowledge that both Kriszti and I are well, we both put back on the weight that the breakdown temporary took away from us. Apparently 1 in every 3 women goes through depression in their lives. I miss having the family around me in England. It makes things difficult. The decisions have been made, I know and I am living with the consequences. There are moments when I am dreading the next 4 months. Working and studying, finishing the thesis, the sleepless nights, the chest pain, the lack of food and the stress about not having time for anything. And the memories creep up. Me lying on the bed waiting for the end. I need to take another loan out, otherwise it is going to crash down on me again. It is like drowning in ice cold water, if you`ve ever experienced how it feels you never want to go back there.

About a year ago, I had a dream. We went to see Auntie Kati and was sitting in the small room, where her husband stayed terminally ill when we visited him before. In my dream the bed wasn’t there, the room was rearranged and I kept wanting to ask where Uncle Janos was, but never get around to do it. On the way home I told mum, we never even asked about Uncle Janos. And the dream finished. He died the next day. It was his anniversary today. That`s why the lunch and the mess in the local church. Mum had strange dreams about being around people, who were dead. She had suitcases with her and they told her she wouldn’t need them where she was going. First time she told me about this dream, I was very worried and prayed that God would keep her safe. I was frightened, being in a foreigner country, what if anything happens to her. Exchanging family ties to pursue something that I can`t even touch in an incredibly lonely place. A couple of days later when we next talked on the phone she told me the day after her dream my grandparents’ house collapsed. Just like that one of the walls gave way and the roof came down. Both granny and granddad died a long time ago. A few months later mum called and told me she had the same dream again and the house next door collapsed. The old lady, who lived there died a long time ago. The memories on those collapsed walls cemented in my memory.

But life goes on. We had `Ujhazi Tyukhusleves` with `Csigateszta` the most famous Hungarian chicken soup with the nicest pasta. In the old days it was made especially for weddings and Christenings. I remember when I was little weeks before a wedding the women in the extended family came together and rolled the tiny (1x1cm or less) pasta squares up on a small piece of textured wood with a small rolling pick. And the result looked like a kind of small sea snail. Of course the `Csigateszta` we had today was made in a factory and bought in a shop. The main course followed, one of the best Hungarian dishes of all times: fattened fried duck with red cabbage and mash potatoes. Fattened ducks are traditional dishes for the Saint’s Day festive. Weeks before Saint`s Day the ducks are fed twice with maize softened in lard. This makes the liver big and tasty. It is a very old tradition, but recently 3 twenty something girls from a Budapest office tried to ban duck fattening and feather plucking branding it animal cruelty. Feather plucking is traditionally done twice a year and is used to make home-made feather pillows and duvets. I used to help mum plucking the ducks, they lose their feathers anyway. It is more sustainable to re-use it or sell to the feather trader, than sweeping it up as waste. We should learn a lot from the previous generations, when it comes to reuse, recycle and waste. There is nothing warmer than a good duck feather duvet during the cold winter.

Day 20 A Typical Day Off With an Extraordinary Headache

Typical, it is my day off from studying and I am having a banging headache. It reminds me of the rainy Bank Holidays in England. You wait for days, plan and then rain comes. Nothing can stop it. I had a long list of e-mails I wanted to write to friends from work, the family who gave me shelter in between the moving, to Mozambique which is long due. I still haven’t written to Edwin and haven’t sent the piece about The Lost Shells to Eszter either.

There is one really nice thing about today, though it is mum`s birthday J We had a delicious family lunch: peach soup with cream, fried duck and my favourite of all times: steamed-fried cabbage with apples and onions. I had to have a little nap after all that food.

There might be a summer storm on the way. Apparently it is already raining in the western side of the country. That might be an explanation for my headache. I love summer storms, the quick preparation, putting the garden furniture in safety. I remember I used to help covering the hay before the summer storms when I lived at home. The freshness of the breeze turned into wild wind in seconds and we battled with the thick foil on the hay tying bricks on the ends to hold it down. By the time we finished it normally started to rain in big heavy drops and we ran into the kitchen still in stress but with much relief that the hay was going to stay dry. We watched the rain falling and bubbling up on the pavement. We unplugged all the appliances and gathered candles and torches in case the storm storms in the night. I loved putting on an old knitted cardigan those times. It gave me safety and comfort as we listened to the branches falling under the heavy force of the wind. Lightning gave light sending secret Morse messages from the sky as the plants danced under the pressure of the elements.

There is a lot in an old knitted cardigan. It is like a book cover for a unique story.

Day 19 Walnut trees & Dragonflies

6pm

I am writing in The Garden. It is thirsting for rain, even though the heat wave is continuing. I`ve been counting the walnut shoots, almost ten. There was an old walnut tree in front of the house where the balcony is. It overshadowed the roof and gave some of its coolness to those long chats with Szilvi years ago, when we talked about the meaning of life and what are we for on the earth.

We smoked and drank sweet cherry wine. A lot of things happened since then. I gave up smoking and drinking, Szilvi gave birth to two baby boys and the walnut tree had to be cut out. In the old days whenever a house was built, a walnut tree was planted next to it. The older generation always said it was not for them, but for the next generation. I can honestly say there is nothing more comforting than sitting in the shade of an old walnut tree.

I read a lot today about environmental policies and sustainability from OECD reports, PhD proposals and other papers. But there was one titled the Model for the Estimation of the Interest-Sensibility of Enterprises. I must have Googled enterprise in Hungary in a rush and I honestly say I have no idea what I was thinking when I printed it out. I cannot understand a word of it. It was full of economical equations. It gave me a headache to look at it. By the way, finally the hot air is not still anymore and to cure the headache cycled over to mum and dads. I honestly say, I have never been happier to acknowledge a faint breeze on the way. I can even feel the tenderness of it now.

The food was just admirable Frankfurter soup with cabbage, `rakott krumpli` with homemade salami and cucumber salad with sour cream! Yummmmmm

I was planning to study even more, but when I got back a started to display a very unproductive student behaviour and spent 2 hours reading about 24. I got totally hooked on it since I got home. Episode 8. is on the Hungarian TV and I watch it every day even in the 35C heat. It is so hot upstairs, if it wouldn’t be for 24 I wouldn’t go there.

I need to make some arrangements about work and living circumstances for this academic year very soon. I am in talks with a couple of projects, but nothing certain yet. Sometimes life is a bit like gossamer, we don’t know where the wind takes and drops us. We are only little spiders leaving our legacy behind tangled into other peoples` thread of live on a bush. We move on from places and jobs and school and projects but leave behind something that indicates we were there before.

I have a gossamer with a Hungarian inventor. I do find his product ground breaking. We`ve been talking about it for a couple of years now but I was too busy with work and study. I did tell Robin about it, but I was already ill and can`t remember a word he said. It is strange when weeks and months are wiped out from your memory and the scariest bit the loss of ability to read and write and the thought that it might never come back.

As I am starting this thread of Glocal Trinnovation and trying to tangle it with other people`s passion about local production, skills and market and the preservation of traditional craft, I wonder where we end up.

I`ve just seen a red dragonfly descending on the tulip tree. I love this garden…I took a picture!

Day 18 From Malhia Kent to Vondores

I just realised in the rush I must have put one of the research book in the photocopier the wrong way around and half of both sides of the pages are missing. Never mind I have the rare chance to do part-page-skimming.

I was looking for Amanda`s lcf address and found this: http://www.fashion.arts.ac.uk/video-showcase/postgraduate-course-director-interviews/dilyswilliams-mafashionandtheenvironment/

I wish I could show this video to people when they ask me how fashion relates to the environment.

37C in shade, 29.5C in the living room, where I am buried into the research material and writing the thesis, most likely 35C upstairs I cant even sleep there any more it is too hot. Ironically officially autumn is here and I found some `okornyal` (gossamer) in the bathroom. I do not know how it got there through the windows and the library.

7.30pm

The garden is bathing in a luminous golden colour. The plants almost look like long lost, valuable antique jewellery and the trees over them like hundreds of meters lace drape on their beauty from a gigantic four poster bed. I don’t think I have ever seen such wonderfully fragile natural beauty in a moment. The old fashioned tall garden lamp emerges over the dying iris leaves as a rustic copper gatekeeper. The air is still, there is no movement, even the bugs are resting. Only one playful little bird is trying to find a comfortable spot on those lace imitating birch trees. The night is coming, and as we capture this very moment this evening, we know the morning will rejuvenate its antique beauty once again.

I find it important to copy a story here from an e-mail I sent to my wonderfully inspiring friend, Judith. It is about highs and lows, hopes and disappointments. It happened to me when I did my Art Design & Foundation part-time at Guilford College in 2002-2004 and an Interior Design course with Open College Network at Bracknell and Wokingham College. I loved every minute of being creative and enjoyed every opportunity given by the modules to design and make. After the first year I went to Paris with my brother and his wife. As we were walking around we got a bit lost and we found ourselves at a fabrics shop with wonderful fabrics and weaving looms in the window. We went in and I happened to start talking to a middle-aged gentleman. When I told him I study fashion and textiles in London, he told me I should send him my CV and could get an internship with them. That was Malhia Kent, the famous weaving company (http://www.malhia.fr ).I had no idea when we left that I was talking to the director Mr Christian Pays. They weave fabrics for Versace, Gucci and Dolce, Gabbana and so on. They always have a team of young weavers from all over the world to design their collection. When we got home I went to the local fabric shop and spent £50 on feathers, beads and different threads. That was my weekly wage/pocket money as they called it for an Au-Pair before we joined the EU. I made some samples (http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.244783015561490.64583.240722909300834) and made a little portfolio with the help of a friend and sent it off to Paris to Mr Pays. When he got it he straight away wrote a hand written letter on a plane to my tutor and invited me to go and spend 3 month with the company in their design team. I think it was partly my fault that I wanted to go during the summer to finish the term and by the time we got a new Au-Pair to replace me at the family Mr Pays left the company and the new people didn’t take on anybody he made agreements with. I went from total high to the deepest low. We say in Hungary: I was under the ass of a frog (I think it is not a very nice place to be that`s why we say it, when things get very bad.)

I remember getting the news the day before I had to hand-in my final project at the Interior Design course and I still had a lot of work to do. The dad from the family wanted an answer there and then in the evening what`s next. I still wanted to go to Paris I was so looking forward to it. The new Au-Pair was coming in a couple of weeks to replace me for 3 months and I just wanted to finish that project, I couldn’t give him an answer. I remember crying constantly and being so worried my tears were going to make a mess on the tracing paper. I tried to lean back from the technical drawing board, but couldn’t really see what I was doing through the tears. I made many mistakes, but finished by early morning. The hardest thing was I thought something was finally happening for me, when I got the news from Paris that they wanted me. And suddenly I wasn’t wanted any more. That was very hard to chew and swallow. I have been cleaning private houses including all the loos for 3 years by then. I worked so hard to earn money to be able to provide my college materials, I spent most of the nights working on my homework constantly struggling financially and holding against the pressure from back home why I haven’t become a millionaire yet. I was made to feel I must be doing something wrong and constantly told I shouldn’t study, as in Hungary the system wouldn’t accept my qualifications anyway. Becoming a millionaire in Hungarian measures in England within 1 year was the ultimate goal at that time for most people going to England. The exchange rate was good and there wasn’t such a big inflation yet in Hungary. I did pay off my mortgage for The House with The Garden. But I rather believed in investing in my education more than buying a flashy car for back home.

But by the time my tears dried up in the morning and I finished the drawings I decided to stay in England with the family (the dad very kindly cancelled my replacement) and I thought if 2d textile design didn’t work out with Malhia Kent, I learn 3D fashion dressmaking and the next day I applied for a City & Guild course and had a place. And very soon after that I have designed the Vondores logo as well. That is why I can make dresses now. There is a reason for everything, but when I heard about M.K. falling through I was gutted. I was even invited to the local BBC Radio to give an interview from the college about my-incredible-story-from-Paris. I was in the College Paper and everybody came to congratulate. I knew by the final project exhibition I wasn’t going to go to Paris. But I kept it quite. It was enough pressure on me to grieve in silence let alone being polite and keep my chin up if anybody would have asked why. I would have burst into tears. I was worried over the whole summer what if when I go back to the college somebody will ask about Paris I would be so embarrassed. Thank God English people can have a can`t-remember-about-other-people`s-business memory and very few people asked. I said the timing was inconvenient because of my Au-Pair job. They acknowledge this very easily and didn`t ask any more questions. I was very angry with my living circumstances deep down and had enough of everything (The English family was very supportive with me, without them I would have never been able to go to college to start with. I owe them respect for life). But I found it very difficult from time to time to be an Eastern European, and put in the move-to-England-to-get-married box and answering silly questions like if I knew how to use a compass and if I had ever seen one before. I felt like people thought I came from a 3rd world country to pray on their higher standard of living then ours. But now I understand they just didn’t know much about us, they thought we were extremely poor and uneducated because of the communism. And there are people in every country who can be just ignorant about the rest of the world. Since then I know and understand a lot more about England. I love it to bits, even though I am planning to set up the headquarters of Glocal Trinnovation and Vondores in Hungary after graduation.

Anyway when I went to enrol for 2nd year at Guildford, they told me there was a change in the law or policy and I was asked to pay £2000 for tuition fees. And then because I was offered that placement with M.K. in Paris, which has never happened to any of their students before (and it only happens with university students normally) the head of college honoured me the fee I paid the year before. I could finish college and went to university and am doing a thesis now.

Sometimes, it is more than difficult, almost impossible to understand situations when they happen, but they always turn out to be for the best.

If I had gone to Paris in 2003, most likely I would have gone on studying weaving at uni and would have never ended up at Fashion and The Environment.

Day 17 From the Bourgeois Cashmere Jumper to the Hungarian Nokia

I would like to write about clothes a little bit. Being brought up in a dressmaker family we have always been surrounded by them. With my brother we told mum and our grandparents what we had in mind and they made it for us. And also we always kept everything. I have clothes I still wear from my granny, mum and even my brother. I have a brownish khaki suit jacket from granny, which has real horsehair in the collar. Traditional tailoring, granddad learnt in Szeged where he was an apprentice in a workshop specialised in making uniforms for the officers.

When I did foundation at Guildford one of the girls told us during the introduction she worked at Top Shop and pretty much what she did there was spending most of her wages on the sale. I remember thinking, I would never do that. Little did I know that years later I also got into the sale-is-my-best-friend-mode. First year at M&S I did pretty well not spending, but after I got a taste of the last phase of sale and accumulated a huge wardrobe. Later on I shifted towards homeware and bought bed linen and towels. Apparently most of the people working in retail go through this phase. This is what all my colleagues told me. As I was moving out of the flat share and transferred my stuff to different storage places I really enjoyed having less and started to wear clothes sitting in the wardrobe for years. I also gave away some nice cashmere jumpers that I just bought for the sake of having it and because it was extremely cheap. It is nice to see people wearing them instead of being eaten up by the moth. I didn’t really know why people kept going on about cashmere in England until I touched that wonderful softness. I can`t remember ever even talking about cashmere back home and I don’t think during the communism it was something that we would be allowed to wear, most likely it was branded as bourgeois. I decided not to buy any more clothes, but make it myself if I need something. Since, I started this new adventure of `Wardrobe-for-Life` I got a pair of trousers and a dress from friends. So giving up shopping, doesn’t necessary mean not having anything new after all. The dress would have ended up in the charity shop and the trousers in the wardrobe, because my friend who bought it didn’t like it and didn’t have the time to take it back to the shop.

I just got in my hand the very first e-mail I wrote to Professor Szerb at the University of Economics in Pecs. I was looking for somebody, who is an expert on SMEs. I was really looking forward to talking to him. I flew home from London having that meeting booked well in advance. This was at the time when I was full on about this MA in the first round. I was very happy to acknowledge he has gained his Ph.D at west Virginia University, America. It gave me a bit of ease thinking he is not going to put me in the box of either: rich kid or the one who could only get into university abroad. I was really looking forward to meeting him and I had all my questions ready. I stayed at my brothers in Pecs, which was rather convenient. Just as we were leaving my little baby nephew had an emergency nappy change and I was late from the meeting. I don’t think it gave a good impression as Professor Szerb gave me his lunch break. What more, my recorder’s battery went flat after 10 minutes into the interview. I was really disappointed I was so tired from not going to sleep the night before because of my early flight that I totally forgot to charge it up. I felt a bit uneasy for some reason the click I was really looking forward to wasn’t working. Why is that I can click with foreigners better when it comes to research interviews than Hungarians? I set down in his office and thanked him for his time, explained who I was and why I wanted to meet him. I often experienced in England that when I send an e-mails with all the details they never really remembered what I wanted apart from Tom Sanderson from 5Talents. Sometimes I find myself totally anglicised in that sense. For my unexpected surprise probably I wasn’t careful enough how to word my question, because I haven’t even finished the sentence when Professor Szerb interrupted me and in a raised voice started questioning me why I wanted to make the artisans necessity entrepreneurs. My question was: `Because in the current situation artisans have to be necessity entrepreneurs… (I dint get to finish, I wanted to ask him what he thought would be the best thing to avoid change this or help the situation). It took me about half an hour to explain, this wasn`t what I meant. Almost two years down the line I would start the interview in a very different way. I would ask what he thinks about necessity entrepreneurship and take it from there. This reminds me once someone told me his friend married a Hungarian girl and he said without a reason she snaps from one minute to the other. Well, being a Hungarian I knew exactly that there is always a good reason behind every Hungarian snap. And, that was the case with Professor Szerb. (My snaps has dramatically gone down during the last 11 years I spent in England, sadly by English measures in times, places and situation it is still considered high. It is great to come home and get back to the traditional snapping a little bit, in case I forget how to do it.) At the end we had a good 2 hours talk and I got to understand some very interesting things about SME`s in Hungary and also understood the reason behind the snap. I believe the professor doesn’t believe in the high entrepreneurial taxes either. He also talked about his view how to bring up those people whom I am considered about in relation to the high taxes. His approach would be small firms who have grand breaking ideas for products or services should be supported by the government and that would give a possibility to grow one of them into a huge company like Nokia and could have the same impact in Hungary as it has is in Finland. He said, than the people I am talking about could become employees either to the company or to those who are in management and could work for them in the domestic services. I think many years might go by until that SME would be found and what is happening until with those who have skills to make products but haven’t got tax breaks to get started. It would of course be great to find the Hungarian Nokia that would not only be great for the economy, but for the artisans as well. It is more likely there would be a good number of people who would have more disposable income to spend and some of it hopefully would go to the artisan sector. The company`s CSR might even would support artisans. You never know.

Day 16 The Way We Were

How terrible! I haven’t written anything for the thesis today. Not a word. I woke up late. The 5am wakeup call has been hung out on the window for a few days now and I am not sure when it is going to be pardoned and be called back. I woke up ate 8pm and cycled over to see the GP about my cough and chest pain. I`ve have it since Italy at the end of July. My GP was on holiday. I remember when I asked the receptionist when I called for an appointment at my very first English GP, if he was on holiday when she said he was not available for 2 weeks. I could hear the horror in the voice of the receptionist because of such a personal question. Her intonation told me everything as she very politely, but in no-doubt shock said `HE IS NOT AVAILABLE!` We always know when our GP is on holiday it says on his surgery door and normally everybody in the village knows where he goes on holiday with his family. There is nothing shocking in that. But the whole village would be in shock if the GP would just vanish for 2 weeks without saying where.

I always found it fascinating listening to people when they told me after returning to the place of their childhood their feelings very soon comforted to those of their youth. I set in the waiting room at the GP surgery, feeling exactly the same way as if I haven’t left the village. I felt that I was still in my early twenties, even in my teenage years and suddenly all the places I saw on my travels had vanished and there was no traces of my everyday life in London, nor the thousands of miles road journeys of Africa or all the well-known and lovingly masked `calle` of the Venetian Carnival in Italy. It was just me and Kevermes with the years I have spent there nothing else. I buried myself to the I Capture the Castle I brought with me from Italy. After a couple of people arrived I realised I never said Good Morning to those who were already waiting. I am so used to not saying hello to the others at my London`s GP`s waiting room. It is normal there. When I realised how impolite I was I looked up and said hello to two of the girls I knew from my old school and gave a smile to the kids every now and then until I got called in. We have no appointment system here, just turn up and wait in the queue. I hoped they didn’t think I deliberately didn’t say hello, just because I live abroad and I think I am better than any of them. I have heard that many times when people moved to town from the village, that some of them never said hello to the village people again. `They are so full of themselves to become townies and forget where they come from`. Oh well, how many times we do things that is not intentional, but misinterpreted. I started a small talk to restore my error and put the book down.

In Hungary when one gets on the train or bus has to ask the passenger already sitting on a seat if he or she could take the empty seat next to the passenger, in case it is saved for somebody. I remember when I first asked someone on the train from Camberley to Ascot and another person from Ascot to London if I could take the empty seat next to them they both looked at me strangely as if they suspected I wanted something else from them. I was shocked when I realised the rest of the passengers just helped themselves with the seats without asking. That would be so rude in Hungary. It took me a while to get used to the English way, I felt so rude and uncomfortable for months. Now, I haven’t got a problem to stanch any available seat as soon as I can. And of course, I have to remind myself in Hungary to be still polite and ask before I help myself. I am fascinated by these differences!

Something very nice happened today. After taking the first course of antibiotics I got from the GP and fall asleep I woke up and found that The Way We Were just started on TV. I wanted to watch that film again for years. I love Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford in it. I love Katie`s character, the working student, she is so passionate and blunt. I am not too sure about her belief in communism, though but its idea has captured so many Western students throughout history. And, I would like to believe I am a person who understands people`s passion and views. By the time I talked to Dan, one of my BA classmate`s boyfriend after we graduated I knew that they only know about the good things and have no idea about the millions who were killed and the liquidation of the intellect and the fear of being accused of doing something that wasn’t true, the lack of freedom and the oppressed innovative human mind. These facts are always quite effective to balance out the idea with reality.

I decided to stay home until the end of September. I am not sure if that time is going to be enough to write the thesis and after only 2 more months it is hand in. `Jaj!` But after I am free. The first thing I`m going to do is translate the novel I wrote almost 15 years ago `Perfectly Imperfect World` to English and find a publisher/literacy agent. I`ve been waiting for this since I moved to England.

But now I am going to read through the Economics folder to do some thesis work.

Day 15 From my Silkworm Keeper Great-Granddad to the Traditional Hungarian Yurt

10am

Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to read Hungarian research material, especially when it comes to paper work. Everything has to be based on a law and proved with at least 3 papers. Just a simple example for life, to change address in the bank in England takes 2 minutes, but in Hungary half an hour and many photocopies of evidence. It is the same with everything. I often feel we are like the office workers in 1984, getting buried into paperwork. Also I find it a lot easier to read English academic texts, it is easier to understand, even though my mother language is Hungarian. I need to learn not get worked up on the bureaucracy burden otherwise I never get to the end of this enormous research material. I need to understand it is a different country with a different past from England, just like people are individuals, countries as well. I need patience.

Sometimes I think there is so much to do and everything is so complicated, it would be so simple to do nothing. And after I am reminded the starfish story over and over again.

11.30am

(I`ve just found an e-mail in the T-shirt and Suits book. I must have picked it up when I was printing it out. It is about a casting day from early 2009.) The T-shirt and Suits book is very good by the way.

1pm

I just picked up other pile of research material: for some reason I wanted to work together with many students from different universities and colleges from Hungary, MOME Budapest, Fashion College Bekescsaba and for the Behind the Label project from the Walter Sisulu university from South Africa. I remember every single details of the idea, but it `Gone with the Wind` due to lack of funding.

I remember looking for research materials about traditional craft in fashion and local development within the EU, but couldn’t really find anything and ended up looking at PhD grants to do an extended research. At that time I still believed in my contributions towards MA and it was early 2009 January-February. Funny enough now that I returned to my studies I started to look at PhD again but I very soon gently reminded myself, I haven’t finished MA yet and I promised myself some rest upon successful completion of Fashion and The Environment. I might start to study a bit of Italian or French though, but strictly for my own amusement.

I`ve found an easybus ticket in between my research pile. This is actually mine 23/02/2009 very early in the morning and coming back 03/02/2009. (I must have printed out it again thinking somebody else picked these up by accident.) I remember those days flying home with the earliest flight and leaving the flat just after midnight, no sleep, getting home very tired and the following morning library in Bekescsaba. That was the year when after the library was renovated the heating system had some peculiar problem and all the staff and visitors wore their winter coats and my fingers nearly froze to the book pages. At least the library was open. What was coming on that summer while I was home for 6 weeks gave me many hours of steaming headaches, but now I just laugh at it. The Library was on summer holiday during exactly those 6 weeks when I scheduled my research trip and it was closed. I couldn’t believe it first, but had to come to terms with it. I started to go to the library in Gyula, but somehow it wasn’t the same. It is a beautiful old building with a spiral staircase up to the gallery of the main room. I remember picking up a book about the Life of Servants during the first half of the 20^th century. I so wanted to read it, but I put it back on the shelf and tried to look for research materials. I so wanted to read that book because of my granny and her sister who often had to go to Breda to work on the fields for the local Earl Vasarhelyi. Granny, who was a dressmaker and machine embroiderer always tried to stay in the back of the line not to be chosen, but the steward always called her on the front, telling her not to hide. Granny and her sister Rozalia and the rest of the workers all slept in the stables, which was full of mice. They all eat bread and bacon and couldn’t wait to finish the job and go home. That is why I really wanted to read that book. I often asked Aunty Rozalia to tell me all about their youth, (I love oral history), but she said she rather forgets about it, because in her teenage years there was war and she felt robbed of her youth. Granny has died when I was 7, I cannot ask her any questions.

Anyway, back to the epic tale of my library research. When finally the library in Bekescsaba re-opened I was shocked to realise it had shrunk for its half as the town didn’t have money to keep the whole building running andthe music and research room were taken away by small businesses and what more most of the research books were taken to the library at Gyula. I remember of books about Silk production in Bekes County and all sorts of old editions like the Pasoni Garden I wanted to look through the latest, mostly for my own amusement than research. I have no idea where those books gone. My great-granddad kept silk worms in Kevermes in his back room in small paper boxes on wooden shelves. Mum told me they had to keep the room dark for the worms to produce silk and because she was a little girl at that time she was afraid of the silk worms. She didn’t like the noise they made as they chewed the mulberry leaves she had to pick every day at the locally planted mulberry woods. Those woods have long gone now and also the silk production.

3pm

I`ve just found somebody`s brand positioning map I picked up by accident. I suppose on 27^th January 2009 a lot of students couldn’t find their printouts after I picked up my bulk and stormed off to work.

I am reading photocopied pages from Cradle to Cradle, a ground breaking book. This has been the very first and most likely the last library book I made notes in. I really can`t explain why I`ve done it, I always used a notebook or post-it. I photocopied the pages out that I made notes on or underlined sentences. I always hated when other students done that, I thought it was disrespectful towards the book itself, towards the rest of the students who wanted to read the book in the future and towards the librarians. And even towards the writer itself. But I remember it felt really good to make those notes on the tube going home from work. I felt like a proper student (only) wishing to own that book really. I can`t read any of the notes, I used a very fine pencil. Conclusion: never make notes in library books, you won`t be able to use it anyway.

Talking to Professor Lucy Orta at London College of fashion made me realise when she suggested I should find out about that traditional felting group in France, that I either don’t ask my questions right or there is a completely different issue I am not seeing. After meeting her I went to visit my old workplace the Munkacsy Museum in Hungary, where I used to work as technician on excavations, before I moved to England. I talked to Pal Medgyesi, who is an archaeologist and most importantly for my thesis he is passionate about the Huns and `Honfoglalas` (settlement of Hungarians on the Great Plain). He has initiated at the museum to exhibit a traditional Hun yurt which was made by volunteers in the river Koros. Pal has shown me around in the yurt explaining me all about the interior and the structure of the building. I asked him if he knows any felt makers in Hungary and there and then the light bulb went on when I asked if I could meet the group he mentioned. The group he mentioned was not a registered company, therefore they wouldn’t want to meet me for an interview in case the APEH (Hungarian Inland Revenue) reads about them in my thesis and would want to find them for illegal felt-making. I would be really honoured if anybody from APEH would read my thesis, but I don’t think that would happen in the near future. But being Hungarian I did understand those concerns. I did meet a traditional felt maker later in 2009 at the Craft camp, who told our group when we asked if felt-making was sustaining his and his family’s life that because of the high necessity entrepreneurial taxes he was considering to give up his full time artisanship and look for employment.

So the skill still exists, but the lack of local artisan production is not sprung from the phenomenon of forgetting how to do it, but the oppressing taxation. Back to Square one.

I remember when I was about 17 in the year of gaining my Level 1 certificate from Traditional Hungarian Weaving and going to the `Mesehaz` in Bekescsaba for the `Guzsalyas` weekend where we could learn the very basics of all sorts of Hungarian traditional craft. That was when I met Pal while we were both rolling our first felt ball. I remember him telling me his vision of having a traditional yurt made in the museum and that was his very first practical research of felt making. In a few years’ time his dream came true. That is very inspiring.

5pm after a bit of gardening:

Being an Eastern European I do find it difficult to read these western books about sustainability written by western people. My doubts in the body of social and historical differences pop up all the time. During communism we were told everybody had to be equal and this created a lot of problems on the long term, which I am not in the mood to write down at the moment. Or is it just me trying to jeopardise my own research by being so Hungarian and sceptical. I need to overcome this negativity of the past when it comes to initiating new ideas. I only lived under communism for 16 years I have lived more than that as a free citizen and been living in England for 11 years, which is a wonderfully encouraging country when it comes to new initiatives. I need to remember Pal`s yurt! It was just an idea years ago and now it is standing!

So, with a new approach I read it again:

`… in small communities people see and sense the effects of their own actions on each other and the environment and are quicker to enjoy the benefits of change.` (Sustainable Fashion and Textiles by Kate Fletcher)

When I read it first, I straight away remembered the days during communism when the equality started to mean to people, if the neighbour bought a new hairdryer they had to buy exactly the same as well. We copied each other, as there wasn’t really a way to be different, same clothes in the shops, same shops in the villages and the towns. Therefore, everything that came from abroad looked exciting and better quality, even if it wasn’t. I remember my cousins’ windbreakers bought in Romania, after the first wash the red dyed the white and looked they looked awful. I also remember my disappointment when my brother went on holiday to the western part of Hungary and for some reasons I thought there even the bubble gums were bigger because it was called west. I was very disappointed when he got me exactly the same as we could by in the corner shop.

Now when I reread the sentence:

`… in small communities people see and sense the effects of their own actions on each other and the environment and are quicker to enjoy the benefits of change.`

I try to look at it with an open mind. I can see it work in Mozambique and I can see it work in England. Why can`t I see it work in Hungary?

It`s been 20 years since the communism went down, people are either very wealthy or very poor with nothing much in between. People can and do travel abroad now, they spend years working in Western Europe and get educated there. Is it really me who is still having that narrow sight? Or is it just a self-doubt coming from the genuine worry from MA tutors that I won`t be able to affect policy makers anyway, so I shouldn’t try it.

I think if I were a foreigner researcher here in Hungary I would find it a lot easier to work on this project. I wouldn’t have the experience of living here and I wouldn’t have the knowledge beyond the books and interviews. I would be like clean water in a watering can watering ideas on creative seeds, but at the moment I feel like I am a dried up watering can full of leaves and dust and bugs because the time has evaporated most of my content.

Ok, this morning`s Don`t Quit card says: `If I`d known then where I`d be today, how easily I could have brushed my fears away.` (Audrey Jeanne Roberts.)

I think I need to keep this in mind and have to take a break earlier tomorrow to be able to stay positive when reading.

And I have to remember Pal and the Yurt and Kate Fletcher and her book and then I am not going to feel on my own with this mammoth task.

Day 14 – From Celebration to Sacrifice

I can`t believe! It`s been already 2 weeks and I only left 1 day out from this blog writing! I wrote nearly every single day! It might be the fact that I very honestly opened up about the history of my diary writing encounters in the first post! It had become part of my daily routine.

I went through all my Art & Design Foundation sketch books after Sunday lunch and all the photos I took following every single product design and development projects. It is a funny feeling to go through your own work. Sketches you have long forgotten. Ideas you can`t even remember. Whole pages that`s been looking back to you as strangers. And of course, the favourites, those designs and ideas that you love so much. Reading through notes and remembering things that happened so many years ago around the same time of your work, loves that better be forgotten, friendships that never sprung over the trials and of course all the good things, those who stood by you no matter what, laughs and adventures. Exhibitions at various places, the first paid design job with Dariella, prototyping and designing luxury bedlinen. The offer from Malhia Kent to join their design team and the cried through night when I had to turn it down. Hopes and regrets. Feri, my cousin told me today when things don`t go well in his life he never blames God, but he looks into himself, what he has done wrong. I wish I could do that. Or even just try to practice it. And I know I experienced that God is not to blame for anything.

Milos Forman`s Amadeus was on tv tonight. I`ve seen it before I became a Christian. Wonderful movie. This evening I looked at Salieri`s character with very different eyes. How much jealousy he had in himself and blamed God for giving Mozart more talent than to him. We often blame God, even though He gave his only son Jesus Christ for us. I thought about the weight of His sacrifice yesterday at church. In the morning I watched a program about St. Stephen I. and I remember there was something about one of his laws about church: if people talk and gossip during the sermon, if they are elders, they have to be kicked out from the church and if younger people their hair should be cut off in front of the church. Bear in mind those days Hungary just became a Christian nation and we had no experience in devotion to listen quietly in the church as we used to be pagans. Today it would be very much against human rights to rule out talking in the church during the service. But it did make me fully concentrate on the sermon yesterday. I just listened, trying my best not to wonder off about my thesis, lunch and desperately trying not to cough. That was one of those moments as the priest talked when I really felt the understanding of Jesus `s sacrifice.

How many times we are called to sacrifice this or that at work, in our studies and in our home life? At this moment I really doesn`t want to go back to England and do one more year of studying and working. Well only 3 months. Actually less than 3 months. Come on Eszter! It is not long now from this MA! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe because I had enough of this cough that I have been having for 4 weeks, but things seemed a bit less bright this weekend. And I do feel the loss of thesis writing on Thursday and Friday because I spent time with the family. I really need to get back to writing and looking through my research materials. No more excuses!!! I decided not to go swimming with my brother and little nephew tomorrow, but work on my thesis. This would be the first time in years to go swimming together and maybe won`t be other until next year. And a lot of things can happen in a year. One more so well-known and dangerously familiar sacrifice for this thesis. Dangerous, because it brings back memories about the illness and it can very easily create resentment in me towards the thesis. But this sacrifice will be seen as a very little one looking back from months and years to come and most likely I am going to forget about it a lot quicker than about any of my design work in the sketch books, but at this moment it seems as huge and demanding as climbing the Mount Everest.

Day 12 – 20th Augustus the Celebration of the Foundation of Hungary

Today the whole nation remembers St. Stephen I. who created a strong country, called Hungary a thousand years ago. His vision was to unite Europe and he has brought Christianity to Hungary and fought against the pagans. Not only by the legend but by historical evidence we know that St. Stephen was a kind and truly Christian king, who always said the children of his pagan enemies are not responsible for their fathers sins and all the pagans` leaders decedents were kept alive and integrated into His kingdom.

This reminds me of King Moshoeshoe I. in Lesotho. I remember reading a history book at Likileng village when the cannibals captured and eat the King`s grandfather instead of attacking and killing them he offered peace and land to cultivate and grow crops under the condition of giving up cannibalism. I remember looking at a tourist leaflet at the Lesotho Embassy in London while I was waiting for my visa. The smiling lady at the desk was curiously looking at my 1cm hair asking me why I wanted to go to Lesotho, that little, far away country. I made a complement on her traditional dress and she said I was going to see a lot more of that in Lesotho. She was right. I also brought some back with me. And I remember the wonderful people near Butha Buthe telling our small research team `What good can come out Lesotho!?` They rather buy the same pair of jeans in South Africa for more than back home, because anything coming from SA should be better than from Lesotho. This reminded me of Hungary. As my country shrunk during the last century our belief in what good can come out of Hungary shrunk as well. I believe there is so much good to come out of this country more than we could imagine. We have our heritage and history. And, we have given many explorers and inventors to the world. We lived through the tragedy of losing 2/3 of our country during the last century. We went through communism and still trying to makes sense of transition economy. But we are still alive.

It was a lot easier to do research in Lesotho, than in Hungary. People were always happy to share their views and were happy to be photographed. In Hungary people are still very suspicious from the memory of secret police from the fallen communism and the New Big Brother, the Hungarian Inland Revenue (APEH).

Great leaders are wise leaders and by practising mercy as strengths they change the face of history for generations to come. I am waiting for great and wise leaders in Hungary to reduce the heavy entrepreneurial taxes to give artisans a better chance to generate income.

I went to church this morning and got a slice of the blessed bread. I took it to mum and dad and we shared it for lunch. We had apricot soup and `Lecso` with `Kovaszos uborka`. Lecso is a wonderful summer dish this time with a bit of home-made smoked bacon and courgettes. Kovaszos cucumber is matured on the sun with white bread and salt. It is just delicious!

I was going to watch the National Celebration on TV, but ironically the only channel that worked during the windy afternoon had a movie on about the American freedom fighting. At the end I decided to upload pictures for my Vondores page on Facebook. I really enjoyed that, going through all my work. I think I needed that.

In the evening village fete, karaoke and fireworks in the park.

Day 12 Sneaky day off before St. Stephen’s Day

Tomorrow is 20^th August all Hungary is going to celebrate. St. Stephen’s day is a public holiday when we celebrate the foundation of the Hungarian state 1000 years ago and also it is the day when the new bread is blessed.

More than a 1000 years ago the `Magyars` conquest the Great Plain and settled in what we call today Hungary. This wonderful little country has been expanded and shrunk many times during the history. Once upon a time three seas bordered it shores and today it is classified landlocked. We all, every single nation in the world carries a thorn in our heart. Either we admit it or not, but on one hand we all secretly admire those times when we broke the waves and sailed with the wild winds and on the other hand we put our head and heart in the sand as the legend of the sailors fade away.

I didn’t do any studying today, but had a really good chat with my wonderful friend Rory and spent time with my little niece and nephew.

Day 11 Being at crossroads: from the copper pipe ballerina dress to baby Zara

`The place to start recovering your hope and your joy is to find ways to rest, relax and be restored.` Audrey Jeanne Roberts from the Don`t Quit cards

I did oversleep, too much gardening last night, only 150 words for thesis about the luxury market, which is more likely going to end up in the appendix. But finally I saw my little niece baby Zara. She is two months old and a smiling, happy baby. It was so nice to see mum holding her as they both smiled at each other and shared their very own baby language. Zara has beautiful baby girl features. My brother and sister-in-law decided to use Zara`s brother`s baby bodysuits for her, which I thought was a marvellously sustainable idea, but people kept asking them if their second child was a boy because of all the blue and green. After a while they decided to go shopping and buy some pink bodysuits. This is an interesting scenario, when people try to be green and buy less, but they find the society around them is not ready yet to encourage their decision by understanding their action. In this case lack of action, I mean.

As I was watering the garden I noticed that the copper pipe ballerina dress I did at Art&Design Foundation came apart. The delicate copper wire let the pipes go and the wind, that captured wind by the trees pulled the pieces apart. I remember giving a picture of the dress to Yvett Bozsik`s mum whom I briefly worked with at a commercial radio here in Hungary when I was 18. Looking only 16 or less and being extremely shy because of my small voice, I remember the wonderful warm feeling the way Eva (Yvett`s mum) talked to me a work party. She told me about her career, her love for dancing, how she got her job at the Hungarian National Radio and about her daughter who was in Holland at that time with a scholarship if I remember correct. I listened with eyes wide open, trying to imagine how far Holland was and how talented Yvett must have been to get that scholarship in contemporary dance and thinking I would never be classified smart enough to study abroad. Little did I know what was in there for me in less than ten years’ time? The way Eva talked to me was so natural, so kind, so human. I remember feeling I would love to talk to people like that. Not to judge them by their looks, clothes and sound, just treat them as I would like to be treated. Last time I saw the Yvett Bozsik Compagnie (http://www.ybozsik.hu/index_main_eng.html) in Bekescsaba, a couple of years ago. The Girl in the Garden was an autobiographical piece inspired by a photo, which was taken when Yvett was a young girl. I remember Eva, who is a chain-smoker telling me and mum that the English dancer who plays her character doesn’t smoke. As we were watching the performance I remembered that very first time when she talked about her life and her kindness and the same warmth she always talks to mum. I am always fascinated by people`s lives, their stories, things they go through and how over and over again their life crosses each other.

I got the most wonderful e-mail from Judith today. Reading it was like an answer to a prayer.

What do I do now? Go back on the treadmill from mid-September/October or follow my heart? These thoughts have been occupying my mind for days. They just sneaked in without warning and started to grow, taking over bit by bit beautiful, relaxing moments of the days.

I am always fascinated by people`s lives, their stories, things they go through and how over and over again their life crosses each other. That is how I look at this thesis now, a life of one`s own, the life of Glocal Trinnovation. We have been crossing each other`s life since 2008. It keeps coming back like that performance, The Girl in the Garden, bringing back that warm kind talk that made such an impact on me. I would like Glocal Trinnovation to be like that pushing that first domino.

Day 10 Many thanks for everybody who is reading my blog!

Thumbs up for your encouragement it means a lot! All your comments are welcome! Any memories, feelings, suggestions please do share and comment!

I am sitting on the sofa starting to read through the research papers I printed out from 2008. I remember at Open Access, one of my classmates said I must have been a very good researcher and know exactly what to look for and where because you printed out so much material. I have to go to work when this room is open and I read it on the tube I said. And going through some of the papers, it comes to my mind, what was I thinking to print that out! It has nothing to do with my project. I also found some stuff I couldn’t recognise, it must have got muddled up in the printer with other students work. Printing brings up the question of environmentally friendly study methods, I printed out hundreds of pages and I could have saved all that paper if I hadn’t worked, but if I hadn’t worked I wouldn’t be here writing this blog about my thesis, because there would be no thesis. I remember my naïve expectation when I applied for the Herold Tillman scholarship at uni, I was unrealistically hopeful thinking to myself because I worked full-time during my full-time BA, I must get that scholarship. I have proved I am a hard worker, I`ve done my bit of hardship. How wrong I was! No one cared about my hardship and almost every single postgraduate student at LCF applied for the scholarship having their hopes just as high as mine was. And, most likely the 10 people who got it had written a lot better application and had a lot better project to propose than myself and the rest. I have to say I was very surprised when I found out who got it from our MA. I found out half-way and I was too exhausted and was feeling terrible sorry for myself in the prospect several months constant tread milling at both work and uni that I simply wasn’t able to be happy for her. It was indeed a big slap on the face and that slap feasted in me as flies feast on open wounds. But because this is England when she told me I expressed my happiness and gave a smile to my hot water cup and I imagined it was tea.

I often asked `God why did you do this to me?`After I finished BA I applied for a job at Per Una, for an internship with Besom and for MA and prayed something like Lord I know the I get is your plan for me. Joyce Meyer does say to be careful what you we are praying for based on her husband`s experience, who prayed for a women to marry, who was difficult and who he could help out of the mass she was in. he was obedient and married Joyce not even having the faintest idea she was going to turn out years later an influential preacher inspiring millions of women. Anyway, I got accepted on MA, never heard from Per Una and wasn’t meant to be with Besom . Now, I do understand why I am doing the MA and why I didn’t get the scholarship. I would have done a totally different project, which I wasn’t meant to be. And, I also understand now that if I had got the scholarship, I would have never gone to LBS and never got my research where it is at the moment. I remember that evening before one of our deadlines when I was sitting on my desk totally exhausted on the phone with the scholarship girl telling me she had writtem 12.000 words already, wasn`t finished yet and felt she had to cut out about a 4-5000 and when she asked me how much I wrote and I said I barely 2000 she went silent on the other end of the phone and sounded very concerned about what the tutors were going to say and why I didn’t do more. I could have screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like a massive failure and as my drive was steadily fading by then I couldn’t care less what they were going to say. I was exhausted!!! Eventually I put the phone down and went to bed. I did cry myself to sleep. I woke up 4am with my eyes wide puffed up from back to front and right to left and top to bottom. I felt better. This marked the start of `am-gonna-have-to-try-to-talk-myself-out-of-this-situation` strategy at presentations and tutorials. With that girl we both did an independent project and our course leader has encouraged us to share experience about our progress. I have put an end to this very soon. Every single time I went away thinking I was a failure, my project was a failure and I shouldn’t even be on MA. I talked to Sally about it. She tried to talk sense in me that I shouldn’t look at others, but sometimes sense doesn’t make sense. I was so much caught up juggling work and study that I never had time to set back and look at life through clean glasses. It is sooo good to sit back now and enjoy proper study time! I know I keep going on about it, but it is fantastic! And now I am enjoying the fruit of a priceless experience I gained during my illness when I got an excellent training at understanding the importance of waiting for the answers for all the whys of life.

I read a lot about R&D, GDP, Innovation, felt making and the legends of its origin and all sorts even cows in Uganda that gives 9l milk and provides a family of 15 with income. Gone through the last report I handed in about the rise of entrepreneurial taxes in the Hungarian artisan sector examining my grand parents` and mum`s workshop and the effect of policy making on the decreasing number of Hungarian artisans. Read again about transition economy and interesting findings about the almost non-existent tax system of the small percentage private sector during communism. It is almost a common knowledge that the bureaucracy burden and extremely high 51% entrepreneurial taxes makes it almost impossible to start an enterprise here in Hungary as I started Vondores in the UK. It was easy and straight forward about 5 minutes on the internet. During my gap year before university I spent a year here at home and wanted to start a one –man craft business. I had the idea and the market, but didn’t have enough money to register my business, which was a ridiculously high amount and all sorts of additional fees. Even if I had the money to register from the moment of registration I would have been expected to pay a monthly national insurance fee that is more than 10 times higher than in England. At the end gave up my idea, because if the Hungarian Inland Revenue (APEH) would have found out about my products, both myself and the retailer would have been given a huge find. I had to options benefits or a cleaning job. I took the cleaning job.

I found this in my research: By 2050 the world`s urban population is expected to be 6 billion (93% of that from developing countries). I wonder how much migration is going to happen between townies and countrisidies. I am slowly but surely becoming a countrysidie again.

Those Lovely readers, who has enquired about lunch: we had potatoes stew with home-made salami a`la Dad and cucumber salad with home-made sour cream.

Day 9 From the Italian Front (World war l) to the Grape Jam on the Traditional Hungarian Doughnut

It is so hot, almost not real, 30C in the shadow. I wonder when Hungary starts to introduce siesta. My friend Eszter, who lives in Italy enjoys all the benefit of that wonderful innovation/tradition of SIESTA. Around this time of the day, all one wants to do is have a nap after lunch. Even to cycle back from mum`s and dad`s after that delicious food feels a great physical challenge. Little more than 10 minutes on my almost 20 years old racing bike and it feels like I have to conquer the Great Plain. I remember saving all my pocket money for 2 years to get that bike and asking for money for birthdays and Christmases to speed the collection up. It was less than 10.000Ft/£35 at that time. I can`t even find the Csepel brand on the web any more but I`ve seen a second-hand one for 30.000Ft/£100. I came across a bike, which costs 309.000Ft/£1000! That is crazy!

A couple of years ago someone asked me here in the village, what kind of car I drive in London. I said, my favourite type the one I always wanted the number 15 Bus. But I have a one more, very good quality, which is quicker and called Tube Central Line. The person looked very surprised why I haven’t got a car and didn’t really get the joke. I don’t need one I said and I can`t afford it either. Somebody else once told me, I should really buy a little Toyota car so when am home I could just use it to visit mum and dad. I did mention my green concerns about cars both times. We could use public transport and bikes, latter is very good for excising, but I didn’t sound very convincing at all, because having a nice car here is a way of displaying wealth. I find it overall refreshing to cycle. The air is so heavy with nature that you can almost float on it and a lot more healthy than walking on The Highway in Shadwell. I often feel sick and cover my nose with a scarf on the way to church it is so concentrated with smog.

Abut lunch: traditional Potato Soup, delicious with ground paprika and `Fank` /doughnut with home made plum and grape jam. I haven’t had fank for years! Traditionally we only used to make it around the carnival time at the end of winter. Commercial doughnuts have nothing really to do with the traditional fresh home-made fank, which is just delicious. It used to be served with plum jam that was made by families in the village for centuries. The hard work lasts almost a whole day preparing the jam jars, picking the plums and getting the pips out. The best plum jam is hard and been cooked for very long hours in a big iron pot outside the house. Nowadays it can be done in the oven and to make it quicker it is advisable to mince it beforehand. But what I really want to write about is the grape jam. Mum made it from the grape that grows by their house. As far as I remember as a little girl I`ve been told a story about the origin of those grapes by grannies best friend who was brought up in that house. She said the grapes were planted by her dad, who had brought the `Italian Runner` grape sticks from Italy where he served as a solider during World War l. I asked mum today, but she wasn’t sure about the story and dad thinks it was his uncle who brought sticks from the Italian front and he never planted them by that house. Anyway, the jam is delicious and I do like the story of the grape that is much admired for its unique taste. It is so tempting that people just open the front gate and pick a bunch, so we have to lock the it when the grapes ripe otherwise no jam until the following year.

The wool for the sauna products, I am making for my thesis as a case study for Glocal Trinovation is almost dry and I could start combing it tomorrow. I hope the moth not going to get into it, until I get some lavender. I should have put a bunch in the last water before spinning and drying.

I have more than 2000 word now, which is a great achievement. I am so grateful for this time, I can stay here at home and not having to rush to work. It gives studying a unique quality I have not known before.

I am going to have to try to write about the Footsteps of the Lost Shells for Eszter and e-mail Edwin about the miraculous growth of the Mozambican Youth Ministry.

Day 8 – the first 1000 words!!! `Csinibaba` in the evening, what a great movei!

Finally, after a week settling into thesis writing I have written this morning the first 1000 words! I got up at 5am and worked until 10am. By that time my eyes got rather tired from staring at the monitor. Went for a little run and for lunch at mum`s (`Ujhazi` chicken soup, oven baked chicken with apple and rosemary and a very delicious sauce I can`t translate. I was tempted to read a bit more about herbs after the watermelon dessert, but decided to cycle home. I gave myself a little free time and watched a short documentary something like the One and a Half Million Steps in Hungary about rambling, which is my favourite and did some gardening after. The jungle is slowly getting under control.

Cornelia told me about the Northumbria Community and the monks who have a well-structured rhythm of each day, morning study and prayer, afternoon gardening, cooking, walking and the evening … I can`t remember the evening, but there is reflection somewhere as well. I need to ask about the evening. I must be tired by now.

It is sad to think that when I go back to England The House with The Garden will be empty again. I feel slightly guilty about the trees and hedges that need some tender loving care. The window frames that desperately need painting and the putty replaced. I have plans for the House and for the Garden and once again the plans need to be nurtured for other year. Secretly, I play with the thoughts what if I don’t have to go back and I can stay. God knows what needs to happen and I do trust his judgment better than mine.

As I promised finally, it is time to introduce Glocal Trinnovation:

Glocal Trinnovation is a new term created by my sleepy self one day, to be more precise very early morning between 2 and 3 am as my research has progressed about local skills, material and markets in Hungary. It is made from two portmanteau words.

Glocal has been used by Glocal. – Media and Communication for Development `The word Glocal is derived from glocalization, meaning ‘think global, act local’ (http://www.glocal.nu)

Trinnovation combines the words tradition and innovation and enhances a connection between the experience of tradition and the advances of innovation.

Coming from a 3^rd generation dressmaker family I started to be interested in the transition from grandparents to my generation of consumers and how opportunity entrepreneurship has turned into necessity entrepreneurship during the 3 generation. I couldn’t help to start a comparison based on my English and African experience.

That is how the idea of Glocal Trinnovation was born examining the effects of policy making on the decreasing number of Hungarian artisans.

Glocal Trinnovation tries to analyse the relationship between empowerment and social sustainability in traditional craft and contemporary fashion (product design and development) through policy making and its long-term effects on local economical growth. It embraces on a new way of approaching the relationship between fashion and traditional craft by using local skills, local sources and local markets under the umbrella of global knowledge and innovation.

While I was running this morning I decided to have a website for Glocal Trinnovation and create a community for those who are passionate about traditional craft and its possibilities in design and development by embracing local skills, materials and markets. I am thinking about a platform to share ideas.

With an example New Creations (an East London based small business uses crochet as a skill, leftover wool and local market making baby booties, bags and summer hats) to generate income. The idea of minimum carbon footprint during the `production` and keeping the money within the community when I ordered a bootie for a friend and the fact that it is hand-made and unique gave me a real buzz.

Day 7 - Day off `Szappanfu` and Rose Jam!

After lunch spent some time with mum and read about herbs and spices and home-made cough syrups, lip balms and all kinds of teas that cure anything and everything made from tree barks and plants I have never heard of.
Mum and I have a secret passion for all kinds of old-fashioned things we can make and try. We specially got excited about the taste of home-made rose jam (I have tried it from Bulgaria) and a plant called `Szappanfu` (Saponaira Officinalis). Apparently the latter was used to clean silk and lace in the old days and some museums still use it. We both agreed we have to try to plant some next year and try it. The root supposed to foam like soap when soaked in water.

Day 6 – From Money Management to Home Made Soap

I talked to Felicia yesterday on Skype (wonderful invention!) She is in Virginia, America and I am in Bekes County, Hungary. She suggested I should write my thesis on the blog, it might help to be more productive. I am going to have a look if I could do an attachment or something. We started MA together in autumn 2008, both in full-time. Around March – April 2009 while as part of my research I joined the Innovation Management course, a collaboration between Innostart http://www.innostart.hu/ and the Hungarian Association for Innovation http://www.innovacio.hu/en_index.html I started to feel that my drive was slowing down. I thought it was just the usual end of term exhaustion, but it didn’t get better during the Easter holiday. By that time work became as monotonous as it could be in a retail environment and I decided to go part-time on MA. I felt sheer exhaustion. Something wasn’t right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. Still, I was over the moon, when I got the news that I got a place at London Business School`s MA Elective: New Creative Ventures.http://www.london.edu/facultyandresearch/subjectareas/strategyandentrepreneurship/centreforcreativebusiness.html I met some really good people there and enjoyed every minute of trying to Ghalia`s business idea work. She was an amazing driving force of our group and we all loved her to bits. Although I was already a part-time student at LCF, I was late from almost every meeting and I compensated it with biscuits and cakes from M&S. I remembered they launched their Raspberry and White chocolate cupcakes at that time. I remember all of us from the University of Arts were amazed by the quality of food at LBS, the canteen, the study rooms, the facilities and all the fantastic environment the campus created. You have to experience it to fully understand! Our professor was just fantastic and we loved all the case studies. That course made a significant change in my thesis. (I write about it later.) That summer I spent a week in the Folk Art Association of Bekes County`s summer camp, learning traditional Hungarian feltmaking and natural wool dyeing. It was a great week, we made a small felt rug each with traditional Hungarian patterns. I remember during the whole 6 weeks I stayed in Hungary I felt extremely exhausted. I didn’t do much at all, I was just tired. Little did I know that by that time my health slowly but surely started to deteriorate.

Felicia handed in her thesis in December 2009. I remember her relief and the dinner at South Kensington, near Holy Trinity Brompton, where we both went at that time. She had lamb shank and kept saying how wonderful the food tasted. I was so happy for her to finish her MA, but by then I pretty much doubted the positive outcome of mine.

Against all the research I started to feel inadequate for MA, I was tired and I didn’t feel encouraged by the tutorials at all. It felt like my research methodology was a disaster my topic was far too broad and slowly and surely as my health was deteriorating, my interest in MA was slowly but surely fading away. I would so wanted to ask for help, but it was more like being on a conveyor belt at uni than having the opportunity to be just a human, being who struggles. Very much the opposite the way we had to treat our customers at work, every single one of them is an individual and any of them could be a mystery shopper. I wonder if there is any mystery shopping at universities? I remember the last drop in the ocean. I had a tutorial with my mentor at that time. I had to take a whole unpaid day off from uni (I spent most of my holidays on research and project work) . The tutorial was supposed to be 30 min, my tutor was ten minutes late, it took about ten minutes to remind her about my project and then ten minutes before the end of the tutorial she got a phone call and apologised that she had to leave. That was the last drop in the ocean, I needed that 30 minutes!!! I was struggling with my work! I really wasn’t in need of that kind of poor customer service especially I know LCF is a great place to study. I did my BA there in Product Design and Development for Clothing and that was just amazing customer service from day 1. After that tutorial I just automatically said to everybody who asked after my MA, yes it is fine, but I did not do a single hour study, I stopped researching and my attendance took a dramatic downturn.

Something happened though which got me excited. I made a wonderful friend at uni, my university chaplain Joanna Jepson at my first year at LCF. In 2010 She was looking for students to volunteer for Project 188, which lead to The Empty Hanger project in collaboration with Bible Society and LCF. I did volunteer and we had a really good time. http://www.emptyhanger.co.uk/ I am indeed in the trailer on this website.

`The Empty Hanger workshop explores themes of sustainability, identity, ambition, dignity and belonging. Through the making and exhibition of five outfits, students are encouraged to consider the way that design and fashion convey emotional and spiritual significance. The Empty Hanger launched on 21st October 2010 at the CRE exhibition in Telford.` (http://www.emptyhanger.co.uk/)

I overall enjoyed this collaboration and gave me a chance to combine faith with fashion and be creative.

During the meantime between the two projects a lot of things happened:

· Joanna was invited to the Buckingham Palace for the British Clothing Industry reception and she asked me if I would make her dress. Of course I said yes. How cool is that!!! And what is even better she was photographed with the Queen and Zandra Rhodes and the picture became the official press photo in many English papers. http://www.vogue.co.uk/spy/celebrity-photos/2010/03/17/clothing-industry-reception-at-buckingham-palace

· That`s how Vondores was born designing and making made-to-measure bridal and evening wear, stage and Venetian carnival costumes, one-off pieces. Couture embroidery and surface textile design. Multifunctional made-to-measure clothes and clergy dresses. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Vondores/240722909300834

· By that time I even enquired if I could change my thesis for something to do with Vondores, but it was not possible. I also requested a change of mentor, which was successful and my course leader was very helpful and understanding.

· By July 2010 one thought kept going around in my head though: `I am very tired of my life!` I was still working full-time at M&S to be able to pay the bills, working on the clients orders during the night often sleeping only 2 hours, 30 minutes or nothing. I had no time to eat, over trained for the Budapest Marathon (to raise money for the Mozambican youth ministry I support) and lost almost 15kg. I went from a healthy size 12 to an 8. I was also experiencing a spending period, which resulted in lots of curtains, towels and sheets, shoes and clothes. I didn’t know it was part of the symptoms, but I very soon found myself in depths.

· I almost thought it was ironic to explain to people what sustainability was in relation to fashion when they asked how fashion related to the environment when my life was not sustainable at all.

· My wonderful manager at that time Luisa at work has realised something was not right with me and suggested I should go and see my GP and seek counselling. I do owe her for that for life. That was a start of a very long journey which lasted for almost a year and changed my perspective on life and makes me sit here at this very moment and go through all the research materials I collected for MA and explore all the exciting future opportunities this wonderful subject: Glocal Trinnovation has in for us.

By the way I was going to write down that yesterday I started running again (25min) in the morning and the same today. I have muscles aches, but they are the nice kind of muscles aches. And I have washed my hair and had a shower with the home-made soap, I made. (And used the same to wash the wool, it is really a multifunctional miracle from the past.) My hair feels nice and soft and I am indeed very proud to be environmentally friendly and supporting the local economic by using my own homemade soap. (I did do Money Management at St. Paul`s Shadwell because of my depths and since then I am more aware of spending than ever.) Big thumbs up to Jacquie and her team! http://www.stpaulsshadwell.org/Groups/76280/St_Pauls_Shadwell/Local_Community/Money_Management/Money_Management.aspx

Secrets form the past embraced in the future and yes, we are witnessing a fashion revolution!

Exciting news! I have finally started my thesis. I am nowhere near my target, but at least it is in progress! What a relief!

I am really getting into this blogging diary. I had all sorts of ideas last night what direction to take it. I quite like the idea of environmental friendly clothing in starfish style. Before anybody would go like: Not a self-greened designer again! I would say I am more interested in what we could learn from the past then anything. Fashion used to be green anyway, before mass consumption came along, and when women spent time on making their families clothes. I am 3^rd generation of dressmakers, not counting my great-granny, who hand made all her family members clothes form the underpants to the shirts. What could we learn from our mum`s and grannies. I am always fascinated about their environmentally friendly approach to their life and the way they cared for their clothes.

I read some cooking books yesterday from before World Ward ll. There were some very interesting green advices in them how to keep our house and clothing tidy and clean. They were completely normal practices at that time. I have played with the thought to test some of them, like washing dark clothes with boiled chestnut water. It must be environmental friendlier than any washing powder we use. Strictly hand wash though; I don’t think my washing machine would appreciate the chestnut water. I rather not try that, I can`t afford a new washing machine, but if I can get some chestnut am going try a bit of hand wash.

P.s. The wool, I have been washing now for 5 days for the practical side of my thesis has finally been rinsed and drying at my mums. We have used only traditional and environmentally friendly handmade traditional cleaning soap, which we made in winter 2010. It has beautifully dried and looks exactly like as I remember my from my as a child.

Day 4

What an exciting morning!!!

(This is day 4, but fall asleep last night without having started on day 3, never mind this is just a far too exciting morning to beat myself up about leaving a day out from the blog!)

This morning while I prayed (I am a Christian indeed) and gave thanks for The House with the Garden and the opportunity to be able to go to university and for my old job at Marks and Sparks something happened.

`Faith understands that today`s pain is likely to be tomorrow`s triumphant story.` Audrey Jeanne Roberts. I read a Don`t Quit card every morning. I got this from Katharina, when last time she stayed with me in London. She also got me a wooden cross, I am wearing around my neck. How thoughtful! I really value her reaction for me being a Christian, she didn’t try to talk me out of it, neither she tried to start one of those conversations about Catholic priests and the undeniable truth in the Da Vinci Code or why there is so much suffering in the world, then if God is so good. She has just acknowledged my faith. Thumbs up!

While I prayed I remembered my very own triumphant story. My teacher told me when I was 14 in our little village during the communism that I shouldn’t even consider to do A-Levels, because my mum and dad are only dressmakers and farmers and I shouldn’t try to aim higher than them. I should become a nurse like the other good girls in the class. I really cannot stand blood! I could have not imagined worse than being locked in a nurse uniform for life in a hospital where the daily contact with blood is almost necessary. Yak! None of the girls who did the nursing course ended up as nurses, either. Not because of the blood I suppose. Well, maybe one of them became a nurse, I can`t remember. Most of them ended up in the local shops and pubs serving customers. This assumption of worker`s children cannot be bright enough for further education was not true in my case and I am sure in many others either. I happily graduated with a 2.1 from London College of Fashion as a product design and Developer for the Fashion Industry in 2008. And now I am indeed the only person from our old village school who gained a degree from England and who had the wonderful opportunity to do a Master`s Elective at London Business School! How cool is that!!! From nurse-forced-to-be to a potential-postgraduate from Fashion and The Environment! Yay! (I take my hat off to all the nurses and carers in the world though! I couldn’t do their job!)

Anyway, this is not the reason while this morning is so exciting. While I prayed I remembered one of the projects I did on BA about a scarf dress and all the complements I got when I wore it. (I always tried to design and make things I would and could wear.) I have been interested in the further development of this scarf dress concept since 2007 and suddenly this morning I was flooded by ideas. Yesterday when I started rereading the research material I came across the quote I wrote down from the Fashioning The Future Summit at LCF 2008 from the Luxury Breakout Group whilst talking about redefining the meaning of luxury: `Luxury is having time off!`

Do we spend time with our own clothes? Do we stand in the mirror and try to make our dress look unique? That would be a great USP for Vondores products. Spending time with your dress by customising it in front of the mirror!

I should have written first thing in the morning. Of course, not a word on paper yet from my thesis. I was deeply disturbed by what is going on in London and spent the early morning watching BBC Live on my laptop with mum and checked on Facebook with friends if they were ok. Thank God everybody is well.

Yesterday breakfast turned into lunch at mum`s and dad`s. I cycled over to their house in 35C. Hot Hungarian summer! That`s the way I like it! AHA!

Oh, the food was just wonderful: Hungarian chicken soup, egg stew and `finom fozelek` (yummy sauce). Mum is a gourmet cook, there is no doubt about that. I love being back home.It is so good to have the family around, peace and quiet. I feel like a proper student having to concentrate only on my studies without having to rush to work. What a luxury! Since I went to uni in 2005 I had to have a full –time job to be able to finance my studies. It has been the toughest thing I ever had to do. Unfortunately, it had earned me a reputation of being stressed, worried, rude and tired amongst some in the first 3 years. And finally a breakdown from which by the grace of God I have 100% recovered. The irony of all is I am so glad I had suffered a breakdown, because my priorities of life have changed so much and all for good. I became a great encourager and a truly understanding person. As much as I love England to bits I had to realise it is very easy to earn a reputation as a rude individual, all you need to do is to exhaust yourself. I remember in 2^nd year on my BA during the first term (70 days) I didn’t have a day off. Not even a half day off. I remember desperately looked for a couple of hours in my diary to catch up on sleep. I was so exhausted by having to go to either uni or work every day, many times both, and study during the night, that if anybody asked me to meet up for a coffee I felt I had to protect myself from the demand. Most of the time people don’t know the true meaning of exhaustion and don’t understand fatigue. They can take rejection due to lack of time very personally. Severe exhaustion is the type of tiredness when one has absolutely no energy left to give, not even 5 minutes for a cup of tea. Thank God since my illness I have met several students who had to work extreme hours to finance their studies. I was glad to be able to say, I understand what they were going through and encourage them to keep focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I remember on BA one of the tutors telling me I shouldn’t work, I should just enjoy being a student. The reality of that possibility was equal to 0. So, I just got on with it and resented her for the rest of the course. In fact I resented a lot of people who challenged me over my work – study life. It was a necessary, but most uncomfortable symbiosis, work and study. It would have been good to understand they were not my enemies, just had no clue about my daily struggles.

I got used to answering I was fine thank you for every casual how are you? And then eventually I started to believe my own lies that I was always fine against the exhaustion, lack of time for myself, lack of sleeping and lack of eating. I have developed an I-am-fine-thank-you!-mask. It was a perfectly crated mask, that I could say I-am-fine-thanks! whilst I was screaming inside from exhaustion.

I was thinking today at mum`s as we changed the water on the wool how upset I would have become before the breakdown if I found out 2/3 of the sheep wool was such bad quality, that we had to throw away. But I just said to mum: don’t worry, it should be ok, I figure out something. I know already what to do, am gonna buy some ready washed wool, comb it and make the prototypes from the one we hand washed and documented. Mum should get half of my MA, she has been going around in the village to have my survey filled out, she helped me to make the wool washing soap and now she is there for me once again washing the wool. And of course she cooks the most delicious food to keep me going. Today we had cauliflower soup, `koromporkolt` with pasta and `kovaszos` cucumber. I am a big fan of Hungarian food!

Yesterday evening it daunted on me that I really have to write 25.000 words at least and after I copied out from all my memory sticks the relevant research material for my proposal, I had to take a break and do a bit of gardening. The front garden by the gate suddenly seemed in a desperate need of weeding. I did take my term 1 and term2 research journeys to read upstairs when I went to bed, but got caught on the news from London and this morning a couple of picture frames desperately needed to be filled with pictures. Of course, I had them both for years. I decided I am going to write whatever flows out of my research and will tweak it later. Sensible idea I believe.