I can`t believe! It`s been already 2 weeks and I only left 1 day out from this blog writing! I wrote nearly every single day! It might be the fact that I very honestly opened up about the history of my diary writing encounters in the first post! It had become part of my daily routine.
I went through all my Art & Design Foundation sketch books after Sunday lunch and all the photos I took following every single product design and development projects. It is a funny feeling to go through your own work. Sketches you have long forgotten. Ideas you can`t even remember. Whole pages that`s been looking back to you as strangers. And of course, the favourites, those designs and ideas that you love so much. Reading through notes and remembering things that happened so many years ago around the same time of your work, loves that better be forgotten, friendships that never sprung over the trials and of course all the good things, those who stood by you no matter what, laughs and adventures. Exhibitions at various places, the first paid design job with Dariella, prototyping and designing luxury bedlinen. The offer from Malhia Kent to join their design team and the cried through night when I had to turn it down. Hopes and regrets. Feri, my cousin told me today when things don`t go well in his life he never blames God, but he looks into himself, what he has done wrong. I wish I could do that. Or even just try to practice it. And I know I experienced that God is not to blame for anything.
Milos Forman`s Amadeus was on tv tonight. I`ve seen it before I became a Christian. Wonderful movie. This evening I looked at Salieri`s character with very different eyes. How much jealousy he had in himself and blamed God for giving Mozart more talent than to him. We often blame God, even though He gave his only son Jesus Christ for us. I thought about the weight of His sacrifice yesterday at church. In the morning I watched a program about St. Stephen I. and I remember there was something about one of his laws about church: if people talk and gossip during the sermon, if they are elders, they have to be kicked out from the church and if younger people their hair should be cut off in front of the church. Bear in mind those days Hungary just became a Christian nation and we had no experience in devotion to listen quietly in the church as we used to be pagans. Today it would be very much against human rights to rule out talking in the church during the service. But it did make me fully concentrate on the sermon yesterday. I just listened, trying my best not to wonder off about my thesis, lunch and desperately trying not to cough. That was one of those moments as the priest talked when I really felt the understanding of Jesus `s sacrifice.
How many times we are called to sacrifice this or that at work, in our studies and in our home life? At this moment I really doesn`t want to go back to England and do one more year of studying and working. Well only 3 months. Actually less than 3 months. Come on Eszter! It is not long now from this MA! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe because I had enough of this cough that I have been having for 4 weeks, but things seemed a bit less bright this weekend. And I do feel the loss of thesis writing on Thursday and Friday because I spent time with the family. I really need to get back to writing and looking through my research materials. No more excuses!!! I decided not to go swimming with my brother and little nephew tomorrow, but work on my thesis. This would be the first time in years to go swimming together and maybe won`t be other until next year. And a lot of things can happen in a year. One more so well-known and dangerously familiar sacrifice for this thesis. Dangerous, because it brings back memories about the illness and it can very easily create resentment in me towards the thesis. But this sacrifice will be seen as a very little one looking back from months and years to come and most likely I am going to forget about it a lot quicker than about any of my design work in the sketch books, but at this moment it seems as huge and demanding as climbing the Mount Everest.
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