You know when you just don’t feel like studying at all. The day has been filled with drama about decision making and in the afternoon I felt a sudden urge to read a book I borrowed from Eszter when I visited her in Italy. I promised myself to only read it when I am travelling, but I haven’t been away for two weeks. Even though, am gonna set off to Vienna by train in a couple of days. I could not help myself and did what I wasn’t supposed to do and started to read it instead of the research material. I even read forward and the end. It is sad, somehow ends in misery and loneliness. If I have had better days lately, I would say, it will end in happiness. Before it ends in misery and loneliness again. See, I can`t think positive these days. As it is said in the Holiday, there are best friends and leading ladies. The heroin of the book is neither. And which one am I? I am captured by my own restlessness, that`s for sure. In England I am more like the girl, who is wearing the patterned dress in the `Cimzett En Vagyok`, but in Hungary the one who is laying on the hospital bed at the end of the voyage after visiting so many islands on that great sea of imagination and finally winning the competition she so much wanted for so long with `The Tragedy of A Young Girl`. Her name is Renee Kieslowski and she is indeed a poet.
We are going to watch `The Fledermaus` by Strauss with Katharina when I go to Vienna. When I was little I thought I would never watch anything that had such a disgusting title. How silly children can be. But I am really looking forward to it as an adult. Schonbrunn is in the plans before I travel o Pozsony to catch the flight to London. I`ve been to Vienna with Klari by train many years ago, maybe 9-10. It was cold and we took the long walk from the palace to the memorial. There is a great old movie with Romy Schneider about Sissy. We were all fascinated by the movie and her love towards Hungary during the Austria-Hungarian Empire, when she was the Empress. I so wanted to go into the palace, but we didn’t have time. I mustn’t let this opportunity go. I remember I always waned to go to Knole House, but only got to the Deer Park. I was so disappointed, not being able to go in. It was the fictional home of my all-time favourite novel character, Orlando.
Still no rain, I had to water the garden. I don`t even want to think about the water bill in the next quarter. But there was the promise of autumn in the air. In a settled way it was hiding behind the trees, but I still could breathe in.
You know when you feel you make a mistake and realise it was somehow inevitable. This is how I am feeling, playing with the thought of staying at home. I know things are not going to be solved by finishing the thesis on the long term. And I`d been there 7 years ago coming back for a gap year. The only safety is The House with The Garden. No job, nothing. Bekes County is one of the least populated and one of the poorest places in Hungary, most of the young people go to the capital, other cities or abroad. They are called the Lost Generation. And I am part of it.
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