As I am working my way through the memories of the past 11 years in The House with The Garden as the cupboards and the wardrobes, the draws and boxes become tidy with that rigorous order they have never seen before, I am experiencing that long awaited beauty of becoming whole. I am able to see the reasoning behind the reasons of whys, why I moved to England and the healing power of victoriously struggling in a foreigner country, which struggle on its own right became glorious in my being of a 36 year old woman. I returned here to my little village after the long journey of apprenticeship in searching for the person I always wanted to become. The person I saw myself as a child. And by now I am not afraid of any more what I`ve seen in the future as I was sitting on my bed, the side portrait of a woman with an ecru antique lace high neck blouse and a black velvet jacket with a standing collar and her long hair combed back in a banana shape bun talking about the importance of journeys as individuals and as nations. I am not fighting against that picture of a woman, who is content in creating and content being alone. I came to the end of my battle of loneliness this Christmas. I am happy. I know with the birth of baby Jesus, I have every right to be happy and live my life in wholeness with or without a husband and family I just have to trust and lean on God for guidance, because only He can show me the path of the journey He prepared for me.
I remember the endless pain of the past 6 Christmases when I was on my own in England. No matter where I was invited to I didn’t have my family around me, I didn’t have my feet on the land I am from. I had no comfort of my own culture, but trying to escape from loneliness in rented rooms, halls of residence and house sitting by trying to recall the missing kindness of home and cooking numerous meals enough to feed a regiment. By last Christmas I had enough of calling my family crying and dwelling in the bitter-sweet sea of self-pity because not being able to be with them. I took action and bought a Christmas tree as tall as myself. I could hardly pull it home from the place near Brick Lane. I remember the kindest postman of East London ever, who helped me pop it on his trolley as he saw me struggling in the snow and pushed it to the nearest bus stop I could get it home from. He knew so much about history, I was amazed. (He reminded me of Spiller, whom I always looked at as an extra Grandfather. He was one of our neighbours and we often went fishing together when I was little. I had a dream if I ever make a lot of money I would buy Breda Castle and make a creative home for the lonely and have Spiller there where he could fall in love with one of the employees and live happily ever after. He died many years ago and Breda Castle has been sold.) The Christmas tree was so fat it hardly fit it into the front room. I got bags of decoration on the staff charity sale at work. I got special Christmas tablecloths, towels, kitchen towels, candles, spent a fortune I didn’t have on food, cooked up a 5 course meals including Julia Child`s famous beef Bourguignon (nearly burning it as Julie in the movie) I was up until 2am if not longer and invited 9 guests, including a friend from Georgia, a Kiwi, to whom it was the first Christmas away from home and English friends who were away from family and wonderful Sarah and Steve. Sarah is great in stand-up comedy and gave us a show. We had a wonderful Christmas! Lesson learnt: take action to make Christmas in a foreigner land special.
This Christmas I cycle over to mum and dad’s every day for lunch and I give plenty TLC to The House with The Garden. I love this Christmas! Lesson learnt: make sure to go home for Christmas even if it means changing jobs.
One of my neighbours told me the other day I must be doing something very wrong in England, if I am not a millionaire yet. I have been there for 11 years, supposing I should have a fat bank account, by now a brand new car, new furniture and extended The House with The Garden with a landscape garden. I mean he didn’t give me the full list, why I am not doing things right, but this is what a successful person, who works abroad ideally, should have after such a long time. When people ask me here in Hungary how my life is in England, I always say it has positives and negatives, which is true. They reply, but you must earn more. And I say yes, but it is a very expensive place to live. Than they normally give me an example of someone they’ve heard about who said they earn a lot of money. I say I have been studying and they ask why? I say it is very important for me. They ask if I could use it if I move back. I say hopefully. And they want facts and I am not sure yet what is going to happen (if I do do a phd at some point or not, so I don’t give facts). And they normally say they don’t understand me. Well, that is ok, it is quite enough for me if understand myself. After being in England for so long studying and working at the same time I became quite realistic about the pros and cons of living abroad. I am not blinded by the higher wages and stories of earning lots when I know people who only eat eggs, bread and potatoes in England to be able to flash out on a new car when they come home. And what does success mean? To me it means becoming whole. It took me 11 years, plenty struggle, working very hard, studying at one of the best fashion institutes of the world and that is more to me than any fat bank account and any new cars. I am proud what I am and I am humbly honoured to be able to help the Youth Ministry in Chiaqualane, Mozambique. It gives me more joy than any new furniture. And that is the best Christmas present I have ever got in my life: understanding what it means and the process of becoming whole!
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