I tried to get up at 5am to carry on writing the Literature Review, but the pain in my chest and the well-known dizziness as I tried to open my eyes struck again just as they did during all those years when they were my closest companions. I just couldn't get out of bed. My body protested in every possible way it could and my mind brought back the memories of those over tired feelings, as my self-image dramatically started to grow smaller and smaller in front of my very own eyes by the demand of time and achievement on me through those soulless and ruthless ghosts of burden and strive. I almost disappeared from the face of the earth with a small desperate cry as many times before when I had a relapse of those moments of fear and despair. I only got up at 6am, started writing at 6.30 until I fall asleep again an hour later on the sofa.
10.50am
I am at uni at the moment. Stressed and wanting to quit. I resent the crumbling demand of performance on the life I could already have if I quit and it is called PEACE!
I just saw Yvonne at Study Support she asked me some focused questions about my research and suggested some points based on those which escaped my attention. It is 11.50am and I am still waiting for the confirmation where and when I am going to meet my tutor and my course leader.
I told Yvonne about me having had to take a year out because of the breakdown. She asked if I got help. I said I was told there was lot of help available at uni, but the truth is when you are in that situation, it is almost impossible to pick up the phone. I wish sometimes someone would have been there for me. I didn't say that, just thought. She said `You are not on your own, you must have gone through a lot last year. Do your tutors know about it?` she asked. `Yes` I answered, `but I don't think they actually know how to deal with a situation like this. They all seem to be so busy`. And also I think, thinking to myself because this is England, people are genetically inclined not to get involved with stuff that requires a bit more than Hi, How are you? and a cup of tea and a chat about the weather and holidays. At university with our tutors we are strictly keep to the projects we meant to talk about. I believe that is why Vivien made such an impression on me taking time to get to know all of us on her class when I studied Interior Design. And I believe that is why I made sure I took time out from the coaching sessions at work to get to know the person tucked into that black uniform from all over the world. Where he or she was coming from, what was their background, their aspirations to know how to approach them and build up a relationship and trust to be able to sound credible in what I was doing and saying.
1.20pm
I just had the tutorial I needed. After all I might take a Postgraduate Diploma Exit, but we will see first how the thesis goes. Susan asked if I wanted to ask for extenuating circumstances. I said no. I need to put an end to this MA and forget about the pressures of it. I was very honest how I felt about the whole thing and why I haven't read the brief for a long time. They were both great in listening and understanding. Amanda suggested I should personalise the brief on my laptop with colours and different fonts to make it mine instead of a black and white academic piece of paper. Great idea! We also came to an agreement about what I have to hand-in and I know now the word count needs to be between: 15.000-18.000. I also have to make sure I make my thesis visually engaging. I could use the felt I made as a cover with the bolts.
I am waiting for trying to get a slot with drop in Study Support to go through the structure of my thesis in details as Yvonne suggested during her session.
7pm
Two of Yvonne's students never arrived and I got their slots in the afternoon. That was just great! We went to Centre for Sustainable Fashion to look at some of the works from previous years that Susan and Amanda suggested. Yvonne put on a big smile and we had green lights for something you need to book an appointment in advance. As we talked I felt safe and rather encouraged. She told me she wanted me to meet someone.
And finally I had the meeting I should have had a year ago. We set in a small friendly office, where I learnt I should have been referred to the right people to help me through my illness by my course leader at that time, because there is support at university for situations like mine. It was a safe place to talk and I can't express how much I longed for a chat like this over the past year. It is only 3 weeks to go now and too late for most of the things, that should have been available to me all this time, but based on my doctors certificate I could hand my work in a couple of weeks later.
I am just spending a bit of time with mourning the opportunities I never had to talk through what and I how I felt and still feeling about this MA apart from the rest of the stuff that had been dealt with and the crises it partially caused in my life. And the causes of its cause. I need to decide in the next few days if I would want to take this last minute help from the university. I cannot become content yet with the fact that me going through this situation could help future cases to improve the communication about mental health support by bringing tutors attention to the importance of referring students in similar situations to the right people. I need some time to come to terms with being let down. This is the grace of mourning which is the last resort.
`People don't understand mental health` said the lady in the small friendly office.
`I know they see you as a high achiever with a massive drive and when your life falls apart they don't know how to deal with it`.
`They don't` she said.
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