’I`m gonna tell you, yes, I am gonna tell you why I came here, just wait for a moment. I will, I will, I will…
Am not scratching my arms, no, no it is not something I would do, I don`t scratch my arms.
Yes, I remember that person, of course I do, he came in and gave me a kiss and a hug and after he left. No, am not obsessed. Am not talking all the time, am not, am just trying to tell you, why am here.
Who am I waiting for?
I am not waiting for anybody, am just here, to, to, to…
Who’s there? Have you heard that noise? Have you not heard it? Am getting paranoid, am afraid.
No, no am not from the other side of the world and I can`t.
I can`t go home I can`t, and I can`t stay here, I can`t.
Will you just shut up?
Sorry.`
At this point, first time I said something:
`It`s all right.`
I knew she was going to apologize, with watery eyes and truly bad feelings about the whole thing, which won`t help her at all. She would feel even more crap about herself. I tried very hard to understand her, but had a hard day at work and was heartbroken. Those little pieces left from my precious love were sitting with me on the bench, overtaking still every moment of my thoughts. Of course I was thinking of him, his broad welcoming shoulders, his deep voice, which made me just endlessly wanting him and the miscarriage of our love.
’I told you, I told you, I have no idea, I really have no idea…’
She would not leave me alone.
I got up and pretended to get on the next bus. I will get off at the next stop. In the latest hour I indeed changed my mind again. Why? Don`t ask me, please don`t even ask me. I had a dark spark coming up from a distant painful memory, sprung up from the hidden believes of ideals and mysteries about love. I truly believed, I was doing the right thing. Turned around, walked over the other end and listened to the buzzing noise of the street. In a short distance but for `too long indeed to swallow his voice.
`Hold me.` I cried in Venice, on that late summer night, walking over a bridge near The Academy. `Hold me.`
Why did I have to cry again? I really don’t know. I was embarrassed and that intense feeling of losing someone has just started to grow in me. I`ve done it again. Remembered. Easy access of old memories running down my fears on a slop as I tried to hang onto reality. He came up to me, gave me a hug and kissed me.
`Please don`t cry` he begged.
And I started again with that instant feel of quilt. Later on we smiled at each other and walked home hand in hand. I promised I would never do that again. I really tried and believed, but knew it won`t last. He would say something I would misunderstand and get upset.
I was a little girl with angel fringes and there came a day along with others in the kindergarten, where I was sitting under a playground bridge with my cousin and admired the crease on one of the nannies uniforms. It was on her back, just above her bum. We did giggle after a few minutes of embraced silence.
I was a little girl, when picking rosebuds at my grannies garden, looking for ferries in them. They always moved away, by the time I opened them.
I get tired and abrupt and have no intention to see the way out, why am lying in bed with no energy to carry on, not even for another day. My mind is shutting down, I can`t feel the breeze through the window any more. It is an illuminating glory of loneliness. I am not even trying to look for something left in my head. It is an empty bin of forever lost thoughts. There isn`t an object or a person left there. And my arms are scratching, too.
Gornyedek, meghajolva elottted, szembekopom az idot.
Szitva szolok a napsutesben hompolygo idore, hagyj elmennem,
engedni jottem.
Siro kotegek kozott a fuledbe sugom a jovot, s Te nem szolsz,
hallagatag vagy, hangtalan sohajok korotted, míg szeretni
engedlek.
Varom a csikorgo fajdalom koszoben az uj ejt, beledszeretve
furkeszem ujra a napot, s fajdalommal varom mit hoz az ej.
Jossz-e?
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