Massive headache, severe anxiety, I have no idea what`s going to happen again. I am very tired of uncertainty and cannot concentrate on the thesis. My limbs are aching and my head is heavy, it almost feels like a full-time job to keep it on its place. Can I just switch off the magic button of life for a little while to get a proper rest, please? Today`s Don`t Quite card says: `The place to start recovering your hope and your joy is to find ways to rest, relax and be restored.` (Audrey Jeanne Roberts) The best way of relaxing seems to me at the moment to watch TV. I don’t think I could do anything else today, my body is far too heavy to keep it on the chair in front to the desk and even the beautiful autumn wind I love so much can`t bring its lightness back. I need some time to mourn.
I don`t even know what I want to mourn about, I just want to mourn. I just simply want to know what`s going to happen next, how could I help my parents and how could I pay back my debts. I don`t even care about the thesis or Vondores at the moment, I am only interested in our security and health. Why does it take sometimes so long to realise what is really important in life?
Can`t I just have a simple life, where I just get on with my little job and pod around in The House with The Garden? Why do I have to want to feel all the time that I have to make things better and think big, which is totally beyond my physical and financial ability?
I might be just going through a midway-to-close-to-thesis-finishing crises and because I still can`t see the end I am afraid of everything around me, that has bigger demand on me, that I can give because of the pressure of having to finish the thesis. Or might not.
I shouldn`t think about what I might have done wrong in the past, but having studied so much and still not being able to maintain a self-sufficient life is more than devastating in crises situations. I need to make decisions, good decisions this time. I can`t go wrong again acting by impulses on what is good for others. I need to make sure I make decisions that bring prosperity not only for me but for my parents as well. Prosperity has many forms and comes in many different sizes and shapes, but it is all centred around `the greater good`.
After 11 years of living abroad trying to build a better life, working, studying and volunteering I had to face the fact just a couple of days ago that both mum and dad are ill and I was simply blinkered to realise this by my fast-paced schedules. Who was driving me to ignore all that matters in life so much not to see what was so obvious? I spent weeks in Southern Africa teaching women to design and making skills. I travelled in the back of a Land Rover thousands of miles to research income generating projects to Hope for Africa Missions. I baked for the homeless and mended their clothes in East London. I visited friends and encouraged them. I spent long hours at work, long ours with studying and long hours waiting in terminals, sleeping on planes and trains in transit between countries to research the effects of policy making on the decreasing number of artisans, and I was even prepared for more research once MA is finished with more financial difficulties with more giving of my time to foreigner countries, when my home, my sweet home carried more fragility I could ever think of. They are both on constant medication, never telling me the depth of their pains and aches, still working the land, running the farm, doing a job that has been there to take their days and nights, not giving them any days off, no Sundays, no Christmas Eves, no Easters and no holidays since they got married in 1967 but work. How can I carry on with my life the same way as it was before with a clear consciousness? It is my time now to give something back to them. How do I start this new journey? Lord, tell me!
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